An Open Letter To Titanfall

Dear Titanfall,

My original intent with this letter was to tell you to go fuck yourself how much I miss my boyfriend. I had planned on complaining about the amount of time and affection that he has put into his Xbox since March 11^th. However, I know this is all your fault not entirely your fault since South Park, Dark Souls II and some other game I can’t remember all came out this month as well. Oh! And let’s not forget that he is still stuck on last month’s Plant vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare (a game far superior to yours because… well… Peashooter).

But as I composed my complaint, I realized that you might be the best thing that has happened in our relationship. At least from my perspective. And so I am rewriting you both a thank you and a what-the-hell-is-happening-in-this-game letter. Let’s start with the latter, shall we?

Really? What the Hell is Happening in This Game?

1.     WALLS

Let me get this straight. Are you telling me that the chaingun thingy that the titans use to UTTERLY destroy each other does not have the power to pierce through a simple wall? I mean, I see some of the walls have sustained previous damage. Please tell me from what fucking weapon?!? Because nothing Wil has played has done any damage to any of the buildings! And I know they are not indestructible. Every map shows post-apocalyptic destruction to everything. In other words, your fake-planet-robots-dropping-from-the-skies game has a few unreal elements to it don’t you think? Walls should blow up.

2.     RETARDED A.I.

I know ‘retarded’ is not a politically correct term so I apologize if I have offended anyone, but seriously… what the fuck is happening with your A.I. bots? Do you intentionally put them in Wil’s way? Because those morons always seem to be running around aimlessly EVERYWHERE. Minions my ass. And why the hell do they look so much like the pilots? It confuses us drunk gamer girlfriends who are trying to keep up with what is going on… which brings me to my third point.

3.     NOT WINE FRIENDLY

Holy shit, you have a fast camera. It is dizzying. After half a bottle of wine, I get motion sick just glancing at the TV. Look, gamer guys have girlfriends too. And we girls are usually drinking. So when we try to help out (Thank you for the corner screen with the arrows… my boyfriend loves it when I constantly shout “BEHIND YOU!” or “TO YOUR LEFT!”. It’s not annoying to him at all.) we become very sick very easily. Slow the fuck down. Please.

4.     THE NAME TITANFALL

Okay, I know there must be a reason you named the game this and I am sure I could just Google it and find out but I’m too lazy and I don’t mind sounding like a dumbass. Here’s the deal. I have spent hours, HOURS, trying to figure out why you are called “Titanfall”. At first I thought, ”Oh, it’s because the titans fall when they die.” Seemed rational enough. But a stupid reason to name a game. Then I thought, “Hmm, there is a lot of orange and red in this game and those are fall colors. Hence Titan FALL.” But I realized the makers probably didn’t have vaginas so... no. Well, maybe it is because the titans drop from the sky. Yes! That must be it! Ah, but then it would be called Titandrop. So what the hell? Why the ridiculous name?

5.     REPETITION

I know, I know! Most games are repetitive. But other than the map changing and about five different game scenarios, I feel like Wil is literally in that movie Groundhog Day. Except in the future, and as a pilot, and on another planet. But other than that he is in the EXACT the same dilemma as Bill Murray was. Look at Wil! He’s running around shooting things! Now he’s climbing a titan! Now he’s peeleing back something on its head and is shooting it! Now he’s repelling around buildings! Now he’s in a mech suit! Now he’s not! Now he getting stepped on! Now he’s dead! And repeat. For six to twelve hours.

6.     STORY LINE

I still have no idea what the fuck is going on. Neither does Wil. Why is everyone killing each other?

7.     CAPTURE THE FLAG

(deep sigh) Jesus. Have you never even seen a movie about war? Read a book about war? Because in no history movie or story, or in history itself, did a great battle get won because some guy stole a flag and brought it back to base camp. Never. Maybe in paintball, yes. But this is supposed to be a war, right? IT MAKES NO SENSE! And it pisses me off. I mean, if all Hitler had to do was run across France, grab a flag and run back, the outcome could have been much different. Germans are quick little bastards. (shaking my head)

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, I think it is appropriate to finally thank you for all the good you have done for my relationship.

How You Saved My Relationship

1.     CATAN

Yep. I downloaded Catan on my phone and I now play it during most of Wil’s game time. I’ve gotten pretty fucking amazing at it, actually. And he doesn’t interrupt me or bother me or tell me to stop. Just beautiful silence as I collect wood and monopoly card everyone’s ass. It makes me feel closer to Wil. Seriously. Plus Wil is the handsomest when his mouth is shut.

2.     HE NOW PRETENDS TO LISTEN

Gamer guys have this awesome talent at nodding during a game and pretending they are hearing everything you are saying. Which means I can go on and on for hours about my day, my girlfriends, what I ate, my future exercise plans, hair color options, what to wear tomorrow and so on. And he can’t go anywhere. He’s stuck pretend listening. I LOVE IT!!

3.     WE HAVE BETTER CONVERSATIONS

Conversations about his day used to be very monotone recaps of his naps and work schedule. Now they are exciting play by play actions on his leveling up and how/when he will reach the next generation or how his team was awful or which weapon choice he used to win Attrition or what burn cards he currently has. It is animated and loud and adorable. And makes for a much better story than, “I ate Taco Bell, watched a Sponge Bob marathon and slept for three hours.”

4.     HE FEELS GUILTY

Whoa! Calm down! Guilt is not always bad. No. No. No. After thirty some-odd hours of game time, Wil is starting to feel like he is neglecting me. So what does he do to make up for it? Oh, I get presents, and loving texts all day, and planned museum dates, and grand romantic gestures. I’m in girlfriend heaven right now. Speaking of which, when the fuck is the next Titanfall coming out?

5.     FINGER AND THUMB CONTROL

Oh, I’m watching his hands get exercise. Need I say more?

So despite the fact that your game makes no sense, has no storyline and is not at all observer friendly (it really is a weird ass game) I must thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you have done for Wil and I. Keep up the good work!

 

Yours Truly,

Seeks