I’m going to be honest; last Saturday wasn’t my first
Brazilian rodeo. Or even my first waxing. I’ve been through this waxing shit
far too often than I’d like to admit. I could have laser-ed this pubic mess into
‘never growing again’ for the amount of money I have spent tearing these babies
out. But why be practical and miss out on all the pain? Why??
Okay, here’s how it usually works: I go in, take off my pants,
lay on the table, shut my eyes, clench the sheets and wait for it to be over.
(This is starting to sound like my sex with my ex.) Real simple, right? But that
is not at all what I did this time.
Wax Lady: Go ahead and get ready while I check the wax. Do
you remember how many weeks it’s been? (turns around)
Me: Sure. I think I’m at about 7 weeks. (Takes off shirt and
bra. Starts taking off pants)Wax Lady: (turns back around) Whoa! Why are you getting naked?
Me: I have no idea! You said get ready and I guess I instinctually thought that meant get naked!
Wax Lady: No… just your pants, remember?
Me: Oh my god. I am so embarrassed. I have no clue why I got naked.
Wax Lady: I have that effect on people.
Me: What the hell was I thinking?
Wax Lady: Don’t worry. You aren’t the first to do that.
Me: Yeah. But think about it… someone says ‘get ready’ and my subconscious decides that means nudity. Imagine if this had been a dentist appointment!
So, yep. That happened. And you can’t undo getting naked for
a stranger. Even one that tears all the hairs out of your crotch.
And let’s be realistic about this. What the hell am I so
embarrassed about anyway? Once you’ve been on all fours, ass cheeks spread and
someone smearing wax on you from hole to hole, is there really any reason to
blush about ANYTHING? I mean, I’m not even that intimate with my boyfriend… and
we do the weird stuff.
Anyways, all of this got me to thinking. Of all the things
we women do for men, Brazilian waxing is the fucking strangest. Seriously, men?
This is what you want? Do you even understand what we go through and how odd
this whole thing is? No? Well, let me enlighten you.
1.
Nothing is more awkward than having someone tell
you, “Hold this here so I don’t wax your lips together.” Oh, you will hold. You
will hold hard.
2.
Once someone has spread your ass cheeks apart
and said, “Always save the best for last.” You feel obligated to tip 25%. Why? Because
you both know it was worse for her than it was for you. She deserves every
penny!
3.
Do you know how uncomfortable it is to have someone staring
down your vulva in order to determine the best way to tackle your jungle
problem while talking about the weather? Do you? No? Because now when someone
says, “I can’t wait for it to warm up again,” my vagina clenches up a little.
It probably always will.
4.
When it’s over, your vagina looks battered. It
is red, swollen, dotted, bald, and angry. And this lady standing in front of
you, the one who’s all smiling and talking about her kid’s soccer game, she has
seen it. She has seen your vagina at its worse and you both have to pretend
like the whole incident never happened.
See, men. See what we do for you?
I think at this point every woman who has endured a Brazilian deserves
cheesecake and a bottle of Merlot. It’s only fair. Make it happen.
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