My Own Advice

 

A few weeks ago I had a good friend tell me I never take my own advice. Mostly she meant this about men/dating so my initial reaction was, “God damnit! Yes I do!” But that’s just me being an asshole. The truth is, I really don’t. In any area of my life. Here are a few examples of advice I have given friends:

1.      Friend: I hate living in Michigan! It’s cold for 8 months out of the year. Ugh! I just want to live somewhere with nice weather and better job opportunities. This place really sucks.

Me: Then just move. It’s literally that simple. Look, either pick somewhere you want to live and draw up a game plan on how to get there or stay where you are and quit bitching about it. You are the only one with the power to make change in your life. So make change and hush up already.  

Sucking At My Own Advice: You’ve read my blog, right? I’m still in Dallas. I’m still complaining.  

2.      Friend: All I do is eat chips and Milky Ways all day. I want to eat healthy but it sucks cooking for one.

Me: That’s awful! You have to have a balanced diet! For Christ’s sake, you’re not 21 anymore. Plus eating for one should make cooking easier. And Milky Ways? Really? Do they even make those anymore? How are you alive right now?

Sucking At My Own Advice: Five words… Champagne and mac and cheese. Oh yeah, I mix it up sometimes. I had some taco bell this weekend with some broccoli cheese soup. Might have even had some potatoes covered in cheddar and half a bag of Doritos. But that was the most food I’d had in a week. Usually, I do one meal a day and a bottle of bubbly. That’s where my ‘balanced diet’ is right now. So the real question should be how the fuck am I still alive?

3.      Friend: I finally bought that purse I was talking about!

Me: You were talking about a purse?

Girlfriend: Yeah. The Gucci one for $400. The one I bought last year is starting to get worn.

Me: Whoa! $400 on a purse? Jesus, that seems reckless! You should seriously rethink your spending habits.

Sucking At My Own Advice: I spend $80+ a month on audio books. Yeah, you heard me. Audio books. That comes to $960 a year in case you can't do math. And I saw her purse. It’s fabulous.

4.      Friend: I have so many back problems. I can’t even get comfortable when I lay down. It’s why I can’t exercise any more.

Me: But you have to exercise. You should be doing yoga at least four times a week. It’s great for staying in shape and it would totally fix your back.

Sucking At My Own Advice: My idea of exercising is taking the stairs to Wil’s apartment. Which I only do one out of ten times. And that’s usually because I have to pee and the elevator takes forever. Oh, and yoga? I do yoga about once a month. For 45 minutes. And, trust me, I have mastered the art of half ass-ing even that. I am hands down the unhealthiest woman I know and should never be giving exercise advice to anyone. Ever.

5.      Friend: Blah blah blah… my boyfriend… blah blah blah blah blah.

Me: Blah blah blah… leave him… blah blah blah blah blah.

Sucking At My Own Advice: Wil would have to murder a puppy and a couple hundred non-crying children before I would consider leaving him. Either that or become a Yugoslavian. Those fuckers are mean! (Is Yugoslavia even a country anymore?)

So my goal this year is to take some of my own advice. But not #3. Audio books are the only reason I am able to fool people into thinking I am smart. And obviously not #5. He has really cute ears and he puts out on a regular basis. Try finding that combo in a man. It’s damn near impossible.

Post script: I started getting angry emails today about my lack of updates. I’d apologize but I wouldn’t mean it. I’ve been busy watching TV and playing Catan. Serious shit, you know? BUT I will be better at it this week, kiddies. Might even do two updates today. Depending on whether or not I hit the bar for some green beer. Green beer and writing never mixes well. Just look at Oscar Wilde... green beer awful.

 

- Fin