My Date with Alien Jesus

“What is the worst date you have been on?” he asked me.

Just because he thought my life had been a series of misadventures, he assumed I would have some crazy ‘horrible date’ story. He was right, damn him. That’s the beauty of having guy friends. They know you.

“That’s easy,” I told him. “Alien Jesus.”

“Alien Jesus?”

“Yes, sir. It was awful!”

And it was. It trumped the date with wealthy Greek that ended in a very scary argument where I had no one to call to help me get rid of him. Thank god for my dog and my willingness to stab someone (don’t worry, no stabbing happened). It trumped the date where the older southern man brought out three guns and very meticulously explained to me how easy it was to kill a person and hide their body. It even trumped the date with the tattooed rockabilly bartender who believed the Masons were controlling the government and had a vision that he and I would be married someday. He was a terrible psychic.  

So what exactly was my worst date ever?

COFFEE WITH ALIEN JESUS:

A friend of mine sent me this email a few months into my singledom.

I know you are not ready to date anyone yet but I have a friend that would be perfect for you. He is really into yoga and is a bit of a Quantum Physics buff so I think you will find him interesting. He is also a very sweet guy. Extremely sweet. Please give him a shot. If I wasn’t married I would scoop him up in a heartbeat. I think the only reason he is single is because he is too deep for Dallas women.

Since I don’t like being set up, this is usually the point where I politely say no. Plus it isn’t really that hard to be ‘too deep’ for women in Dallas. Dallas is full of the sort of vapid females who think the answers to life’s big questions can be found in ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff’ and Oprah Winfrey reruns. However, the sweet guy part had me curious. I am one of the rare types of women (humans, even) that actually adore nice guys. Bad boys are disgustly savage and unoriginal at best. The whole, ‘be an asshole and she will love you’ philosophy has never worked on me. Go ahead, try being mean to me. See how much I like you after that, dick. But buy me flowers and kiss a puppy and you might just own my heart.

I responded with a hesitant ok. After a few phone calls with her friend, we decided to meet for coffee. I figured coffee was safe. I could easily bail if things went terribly wrong, right? Little did I know.

I arrived first and felt oddly uneasy. What do I say to a stranger? Will he catch on to how awkward I am? What if he asks about my family? What if I do the snorting laugh thing? Oh, god, please don’t let me do the snorting laugh thing!

When he walked in I recognized him immediately. He was lanky and pale with a loose fitting button up top and dark rimmed glasses. He looked unconcerned, not even remotely nervous. As soon as he saw me he flashed a toothy grin and I thought, “this man is gorgeous.”

And then this happened…

Him: Uhm, I quit my job today so I have no money. Would you mind paying? I had a dream that I was playing trombone in an Air Force band in San Francisco. I’m driving up there this weekend to see if it’s real but I can pay you back once I get out there.

Really? A dream? Another god damn date with a psychic? Fine. It was just coffee. I agreed to pay for his drink and started plotting my exit strategy.

We picked a seat in the corner of the shop and then this happened…

Him: You seem like such a down to earth chick that I feel I can be honest with you. Can I?

Me: Sure.
Him: (whispering) I am not from this plane of existence. I live in another dimension but I visit here frequently. I am really an extraterrestrial but I like to keep that on a down low. I can change my vibrations. That is how I travel.
Me: I thought I saw you come in a car?
Him: I did. I do that when I take this form.
Me: Are you fucking with me?
Him: (looking insulted) I would never do that!
Me: Did you just tell me you are a god damn alien?
Him: We prefer EXTRATERRESTRIAL.
Me: Oh my god. You are serious.

Most normal people would leave at this point, but I never leave a good story. And this might be the only alien date of my life. I couldn’t walk out on this.

I will not bore you with the entire two hour conversation, but I will bore you with the other fun facts I learned.

Fun Fact #1

Him: Most people don’t know this about me but I was Jesus in my past life.

Me: Hmm… so whom do you blame for your death?
Him: I blame the people of my time. They did not understand me.
Me: You’ve never read the bible have you?
Him: No. It exists in my head.
Me: Your head is obviously not the King James version. Because you openly stated in that version that you were dying for and because of the sins of man.
Him: I guess I did. But I think you and I are saying the same thing.
Me: No. No we are not. I like you better in the book.

Fun Fact #2

Him: The government is using black magic to control us. That is why I use white magic to fight them.

Me: Which government?
Him: They are all one.
Me: Clearly you do not keep up on current events.

Fun Fact #3

Him: I can feel your thoughts right now.

Me: Trust me, no you cannot.
Him: I feel connected to you.
Me: Have you ever been on medicine? Like maybe Lithium or Thorazine?
Him: No. I don’t believe in drugs.
Me: You should probably start believing. I mean it.

I actually started feeling incredibly sad for the guy and terrible for playing along with him. I talked to him about maybe seeing someone or talking to someone with a medical degree. But he was WAY TOO FAR gone in his delusion to hear what I was saying. 

This was the conversation that scared me, and when I finally left the scene of my date.

Last Conversation:

Him: Can I have a piece of your hair or maybe some dead skin.

Me: Jesus! Why on earth are you asking me that?
Him: I just want to eat a part of you so that I can absorb your DNA and we can become one.
Me: Are you asking if you can cannibalize me?
Him: No. Not anything evil like that.
Me: Look. You are not going to eat me! You are going to sit right here and I am going to leave. You are going to stay here until I get in my car and drive away.
Him: Ok. Good meeting you.
Me: Yes. Great times. Please get help.

You would think at this point in my life I would give up and buy a few cats and a bric-a-brac collection and call it a life. But this is truly a Dallas thing. I had wonderful and normal dates in California and Michigan. No one tried to kill me or eat me or convince me they were an alien. If I come to the point where I decide it is time to date someone seriously, I’ll just move to one of those states and enjoy a normal dinner/movie/wine thing. Maybe find a guy who likes to go camping and kisses puppies. Until then, pj’s and Netflix suit me just fine.