I have a beautiful friend. She is deeply spiritual, highly intelligent,
has a twisted sense of humor. She is a five foot ball of energy and confidence.
She is the definition of spitfire. Unfortunately, Spitfire has a crush. It isn’t
that having a crush is unfortunate, per se, but having one on a man who gives mixed
signals and is confusing as hell is.
I met her at the wine bar Thursday for over-priced Chardonnay and a
quiet place to chat. Our neighborhood Jim Carrey look-a-like popped in to share
a drink or two and we settled in for a night of girl talk (yes, Jim Carrey can
girl talk). Somewhere during our ‘figuring out the crush’ conversation, Jim
Carrey said something profound. Something that changed everything. At least for
me it did.
Spitfire: I just don’t get if he is into me or not.
Jim Carrey: That’s because you don’t have the game down.Spitfire: I do! Just not with him.
Jim: You don’t. And you aren’t being devious enough about it.
And then it hit me. I can’t do this. I can’t date people here.
How the hell do you get that from Jim Carrey, you ask? Because he is
right. If you are interested in someone, there is a game you have to play. And
yes, you really do have to be devious about it. And that was where my moment of
freedom came. A relief flooded over me, even in my wine-drunk state, and
settled in hard. Hard enough that when I woke up on Friday morning, I felt a
peace I haven’t felt in a long time.
How did I find peace in that? Let me share. I absolutely suck at games.
So much so that it usually gets me in trouble. I don’t know how NOT to be
honest. How not to say how I feel. And, Jesus Christ, not only do I suck at
manipulating people, I have absolutely no desire to do such things.
More importantly, I don’t want people playing games with me. Not because I can't handle games or I am afraid of them, but because I don't know the fucking rules. And let's be honest, even if I did, I am awful at following rules.
And deviousness? Yeah, whatever the complete opposite of devious is,
that’s me. I couldn’t even fake it if I
tried. Trust me, it would end in some awkward situation where I am explaining
to the cops that I did not, in fact, steal
the car but merely moved it down the street without permission (long story, and
the only time I was ever accused of deviousness).
Here is where my epiphany punched me in the gut, though, tough love
style. It isn’t that I am going about dating wrong or that I just haven’t found
the right guy. It is that I can’t. I am not wired that way. I do not have the
devious-games gene needed to date people in the Dallas area. And thank god! It
means that I am a good person. And I’d rather be good and alone than devious and
with a man. I feel… proud of myself.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not the jaded-baggage type of girl. I do
believe that somewhere out there, some guy is wondering if there are any single
women left that aren’t into games. While I have been lamenting “Where are all
the nice guys?!” He has been lamenting “Where are all the honest women?” Maybe
I will never meet him. Maybe I will. But he is out there. And right now, that’s
good enough for me.
So how is this so freeing? Because, I can feel good about being a
recluse now. I can carry my walls around me with pride. I can be me without
apologies. Life in pajama’s? Yes, please. Weekends without makeup? Hell, yeah.
Documentary night every night? Of course.
And these apartment walls will not close in. I just joined a writer’s
group that meets every Thursday, I have yoga class twice a week and I still
have girls’ night on Saturdays. That seems social enough for me.
In EVG news, since my flight for the company Christmas party got
canceled, I missed out on seeing her. Which makes me incredibly sad. Usually, I
get a hilarious midnight text from her, but last night she sent me a serious one. It made me love her even more, if that is at all possible.
EVG: Who loves you? I do! And lots of other people because you’re
awesome :)
Look at EVG trying to cheer my sad-because-I-can’t-see-her ass up. She
is the shit.
No comments:
Post a Comment