My Weed Ballad Love Life and Vibrator Decision

Anyone who is friends with me (which is now less than 1% of my viewers so probably not you), knows that I have been on an Alkaline Trio kick this week. One of my favorite songs by them happens to be ’97. Why? Because it is, or at least I thought it was, one of the truest love songs I have ever heard. Not the greatest, that would be Radio, but there is a confessional part to ‘97 that I have always related to. It is the one song where I can say, “Yep, this pretty much sums up all of my relationships with men.”  Why am a boring you with this tidbit of information? Because I recently learned that this is not at all about relationships!

What?! In an interview in High Times, Matt Skiba admits that he wrote this song in 1996 when he got busted with weed and was sentenced to 18 months of probation. This isn’t a song about past lovers! This is love song to marijuana. Which means either my love life can be summed up in a weed ballad or I terrible at deciphering song meanings. Either way, I’m not liking it.

All of this got me thinking (yes, I am going somewhere with this). Sure, I have had terrible taste in guys in the past. Except for my ex-husband, who is one of the kindest men I have ever met, most of my ex’s fall in the self-centered/mean-drunk category. But what could all my ex’s say about me? Besides being overly quirky and highly unpredictable, what would they say my biggest flaw is?

That’s easy. I am horrible at communicating. My solution to most problems is to ignore them until they go away. Talk about our issues? Bah! Hash it all out so we feel better? Bah! No, I prefer we bottle it all in and go drinking. Why you ask? Because I HATE arguing. Conclusion: In a relationship where communication is the key to intimacy, I really suck.

Example (and, unfortunately, a real example)

Boyfriend: I think we need to talk about where this relationship is headed.

Me: Did you know it rains diamonds on Saturn?
Boyfriend: I am being serious. When is the last time you told me you loved me?
Me: It’d be so confusing if that happened here. You’d be like, “Holy shit! Look at all the diamonds!” But you’d also be like, “Holy shit! It really hurts outside!”

It isn’t like I don’t have feelings. I do. I cry during The Walking Dead, for fuck’s sake. I just don’t like jibber jabbering about them.

In vibrator news, I finally made a decision to order one. Which one, you ask? Captain America, of course. Why? Because I am a god damn patriot. And because the First Avenger deserves to be the First Vibrator. That's why, bitches!

UPDATE: To the horrible woman who said the Avenger vibrator set cost $39.99 a piece... you, ma'am, are a liar!! They are not even for sale yet! Son of a bitch! I feel like Christmas just got ruined.