Conversations With EVG And My Undate

All my friends know that I have one rule that they should adhere to. Never EVER put me on speaker phone. Example from Friday:

Me: You are adorable.

EVG: It’s true. It’s why you like me.
Me: Yeah, I think I only like you because you’re so pretty. I’m superficial like that. Plus, I want to f*ck your brother.
EVG: Uhm… Uh… My mom is here.
Me: So?
EVG: You were just on speaker phone.
Me: EVG! You know the rules! You are never supposed to put me on speaker phone!
EVG: I know, I know. Our conversation was so normal. I can’t believe that in just 10 seconds, shit went horribly awry!
Me: She has no idea I was kidding! You better tell your mom I was kidding.
EVG: I will do no such thing.

Speaking of EVG, that girl can never give a normal answer to a question. Example from today:

Me: Were the first two seasons of American Horror Story any good?

EVG: It scared me. You know that movie where there was a puppet man and he played games and made people do stuff?
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
EVG: Saw. That was the name.
Me: That was your description of Saw?
EVG: Yes. It’s an accurate one, isn’t it? The Princess Bride guy was in it and people died.
Me: I guess. You should never be allowed to write reviews for movies, though.
EVG: I watched it with a guy I was dating and he kept yelling, “BOO!” at all the scary parts and I didn’t like it. So I f*cked him in self defense.
Me: That doesn't even make sense.
EVG: He stopped going boo and I didn't have to watch the movie anymore.
Me: What does this have to do with American Horror Story?
EVG: Oh, yeah. No. Just start with season three.

Example from yesterday:

Me: Have you ever met Mark?

EVG: Yes, he had his dick in my face once.
Me: What?!
EVG: I took him to Taco Bell and he said he wanted me to give him head. I thought he was kidding so I told him only if he could bring it to my face. He stood up through the sunroof and pulled his pants down and waved it around.
Me: Oh my god! Did you?!
(You have to ask EVG these questions because you never know.)
EVG: No. I never turned my head. But he was a great contortionist.
Me: You know, you could have just said, “Yes, I met Mark.”
EVG: Yes, I met Mark.

In life news, I have an undate tomorrow. We were supposed to meet for drinks but I asked if we can do movies at my place and just "hang out" instead. I guess this was my solution to getting out of a date. I also felt the need to tell him he would not be getting lucky. I think my exact words were, “Don’t worry, I won’t try to rape you. It’ll be just a hanging out thing.” His response? “Sounds good. But it’s weird you felt the need to tell me I won’t be getting raped.”

In other dating news, a guy on Match emailed me asking if I had had any luck. What a strange question. So I answered honestly. I told him it was hard to sort out the serious people from the serial daters but such is life. I figured I would ask him the same silly question. His response:

Haven't done much with it, but certainly willing to give it a shot. Haven't been on maybe two weeks and have gotten some interesting emails already. Just wish find quality was easier, which is why I am starting to take things into my own hands and write those who I think I have some things in common with. No luck yet!! Stay posted, lol...hope your having a great weekend thank you for writing.

See the misuse of the “your”? The ‘no luck yet’ comment? And this is one of the better emails. Today I got one that simply said, “nice cup hahaha… lol”. What the hell kind of email is that? Yeah, I know it’s nice. I bought it!! And once you write hahaha I assume you are lol-ing. I can’t even respond to crazy shit like that.

Which is why I am looking forward to my undate. He’s normal, intelligent, way too young for me, knows how to spell, is not an asshole, knows how to make coffee, has a job, and is willing to watch Supernatural with me. Boom!