My Equally Insane Friend

Everyone has that one friend who is just as insane as they are, right? I mean, every insane person does, don’t they? I don’t think I actually have any normal friends (thank god). But I do have one friend whose weirdness is just as twisted as mine is. For instance, here is an awesome email I received from her before heading off to bed last night:

I wish I could be there for you on the days when it seems like life is punching you in the tit.

If that isn’t the most sincere expression love one friend can give to another, then I don’t know what is. And I deeply love this girl. Once a week, minimally, she sends me the greatest text or email EVER. Here are some of my favorites:

Text about death (at 4am): My vibrator just exploded. I’m pretty sure it was trying to kill me.

Email about sperm: It was a very real concern of mine when they did a cheek swab test on me in order to go on the bone marrow donor’s list. I was like, “Sh*t! Whose DNA will they be getting?”

Text about splitting up the world among our group of friends: I texted Jose “Just so you know, I arranged for you to have South America. You’re welcome.” He didn’t even question it. He just said it’s because he is brown isn’t it. I told him it is because he can speak brown. I like to toss some folksie racism at him from time to time. It makes him feel at home. He knows I don’t mean it. I just do it for him.

Text just expressing love: nlnn <-- I just flipped you off with a text. You’re welcome. You did nothing to deserve this. I’m just proud of myself for inventing the flipping-off emoji. That is all. Have a good day.

And she is the epitome of ‘girl next door’, sweet and uber-girly (think batting-eyelashes and lollipops) with an innocent smile. But it is all an illusion. Trust me. While she is smiling at the idiot who can’t get her order right, she is also secretly plotting his murder and will tell me in detail how the murder will go down when he leaves.

One night I get a call from her and I asked her how her date with her relatively new semi-boyfriend went.

Exploding Vibrator Girl (EVG): I left him on the side of the road.

Me: What?!?
EVG: He cried after sex and got all mouthy in the car.
Me: You at least dropped him near his house, right?
EVG: Oh no. I dropped him like ten miles away. But it was on a freeway so I’m sure he got back alright.

I wish I could clone her and have one of her everywhere I go. At least have one of her in Texas. Tonight I will get my favorite Chardonnay and lift my glass to EVG. I miss her face immensely.