I originally started this blog with “the Plan”. You remember... say yes to dates, be nice to men, put yourself out there, blah blah blah. The problem is that I don’t particularly like the sort of men I come across. I thought it must be the small area I live in. No, IT IS ALL OF TEXAS. Match.com has opened my eyes to this fun fact. I have already ranted so you know my issues with the people on there. ALL those men are insanely awful. Do emotionally stable, completely nerdy, socially awkward, passionate men exist? I think not.
Worse yet, maybe two of these 600+ dudes who viewed me actually read my profile and my profile is fucking funny. I am funny, damnit! And witty and educated. But 99% of the guys who have asked me out have asked me because I am blonde and “cute” (I am not cute, damnit!!) and available. They look at the pictures, think “I’d screw her” and then send some grammatically incorrect drivel about drinks or dinner. Real creative, assholes. And guess what? I don’t give a shit what you look like. Those topless photos of you in your bathroom are stupid and annoying. If you look like you spend more than 5 minutes on your hair I am already sick of you. And quit telling me to look at your photos or asking me if you are attractive. My answer will always be no. My point? I am over Match.
So I canceled my date for tonight. I have vegetable soup in the fridge, a novel that needs writing, fuzzy rabbit pj’s that need wearing and MST3K that needs watching. And I have a garden tub that is dying to be turned into a bubble bath. All of this is way better than pretending that the blabbering guy sitting across the dinner table is really just looking for good conversation.
Lately, I have been having some really great talks with EVG. This morning we both agreed that we are willing to wait ten years, if we must, to find that one person who will adore our weird ass personalities. Yep. I am putting my vagina on lock down. Which is sort of easy since it has already been on lock down. This also means that I need to invest in a vibrator collection. And if there is anything I love, it is ‘collections’. The following conversation happened last night:
EVG: You don’t have a vibrator?
Me: No. Well, not one I can use.
EVG: Hmm…
Me: I have a Hello Kitty one but I got it from Japan and my inner geek is convinced it will be a collector’s item one day so I haven’t taken it out of the box.
EVG: You can’t collect these things, you have to use them!
Me: (not listening) I wonder if they have fairytale vibrators or superhero vibrators? I can get a curio cabinet and display them like knickknacks!
EVG: I think you are missing the point of vibrators.
Maybe I was but guess what? THEY HAVE SUPERHERO VIBRATORS! AND FAIRYTALE ONES!! I have found my new hobby! Not only will I have the sexual patience to wait for my Mr. Right (he wears glasses, makes a mean cup of coffee and thinks I am the shit… if you see him, tell him I am stranded in Texas) but I can do it geek-girl style.
The dilemma of my evening is which vibrator collection to order first. The Star Wars? The Avengers? Or the Wonderland? Very difficult choice, indeed.
Your opinions would be greatly appreciated. I'm leaning towards the Avenger set first but my mind can easily be changed. In the meantime, I am clearing shelf space for their display. Yes, mom, nice to see you too. Yes, dad, those are indeed vibrators. Wine anyone?
If you are serious about your curio cabinet, I recommend starting with the Star Wars collection. Here's some reasons why:
ReplyDelete• 99% of men regardless of their geographical location will take one look at the veiny beefitude of the HULK and feel instantly insecure in their Hawkeye-ness.
• The Star Wars collection look super high-tech and would look great on a shelf whereas the Wonderland set has something that looks like a baby bottle nipple and you could end up having to pry it away from a houseguest with an oral fixation.
• Right now, everyone likes the Avengers. Yeah, everyone... The movies are carefully crafted to offer just enough fanservice to keep us geeks loving them and at the same time appeal to as much of the meathead sensibility as possible. You don't see it, you say? They're the perfect jock-clique....observe. There's everybody's all-'murrican Quarterback, The Safety who is actually a decent guy until he gets drunk (then he's a fucking disaster), the linebacker who doesn't want to do anything but fight everything but still comes off as charming, the running back who thinks he's hilarious because he makes up nicknames for people, and the guy who really wants to be popular and manages to hook up with the head cheerleader...............so if the HULK doesn't send them screaming, any meathead will figure he could garner a couple of points by making a comment about how much he liked Captain America.
• Star Wars is a good common ground for geeky conversations....At bare minimum it's something that has been around long enough there should be no reason that a person couldn't make out exactly what they were looking at in a single glance (if you have the whole collection there especially) and it helps to weed out the nouveau-geek trying just to do their best to be all the Kirk they can be.
Problem... Avengers are only $40 each compared to the $169 each in the Stars Wars collection. I am broke and horny. So Avengers it is.
ReplyDelete