1.
I have perpetual foot-in-mouth syndrome. Oftentimes
my words jumble up in my brain and by the time they leave my mouth they are out
of order or mispronounced or completely inappropriate. Mostly the latter. For
example, I have learned never to convert dollars into shekels around a Jewish
man who thinks that everything anyone says is anti-Semitic (a ridiculous
assumption, especially since Jewish people are one of my favorite groups of
people). And to never bring up your cousins old stripper-pole-in-the-basement
days in front of his wife. And definitely don’t do it when the wounds of his
ex-stripper girlfriend are still fresh in his wife’s mind. OH! And to never
tell your best friend’s husband about the impromptu trip you two took to Vegas just because you ASSUME he had known where she
was and would enjoy a good laugh. (Imagine what I could say to a date!)
2.
I have dorky interests. Where most people can
put down “I enjoy bike rides and photography” as their hobbies, I cannot.
Quantum physics, robots, knitting, D&D, blogging, neuroscience, comic books
(yeah, I’m 38 and I still dig comic books… I prefer the term ‘graphic novels’,
though), Freud, Greek philosophy and stone rubbing grave etchings. Those are mine,
which means when people start talking I have to remember that not only does NO
ONE my age share my interests, they certainly do not want to hear about them
either. And so I usually end up sitting in a corner being silent or getting very
drunk and talking about Plato, artificial intelligence and Carl Sagan. Neither
scenario is a win for me.
3.
I am way too honest for my own good. I have this
horrible tendency to just come out and ask a question or tell someone how I
feel and this is not always socially acceptable. “Did you look at yourself
before you left the house?” “Are you interested in me or is this just an
out-as-friends thing?” “Do my armpits smell?” “Are you going to keep talking or
are we going to have sex?”
4.
I have too many quirks. Guys will put up with
three or four but they usually draw the line at 72. Here are a few of many: I
hate the sound of chewing and whistling. I am terrified of belly buttons,
including my own. I walk on furniture. I wear pajamas as often as possible
(preferably fuzzy and with Hello Kitty somewhere on them). I am creeped out by
toe rings. I MUST sleep on the side of the bed farthest from the door. I yell
at the TV when I am scared. I won’t eat my food if it is touching other food,
even if I like the other food. I throw out everything on the day it expires; not
because I am clean and responsible but because I secretly believe all things
turn to poison when they expire. I am fascinated by silly putty and can play
with it for hours. And so on.
5.
I hate people. Okay, I don’t hate people. I just
like not being around them, which seriously impedes on me dating them.
6.
I like Woody Allen. Enough said.
Anyways, last date I had was with a guy who complained about a coworker who played video games. “Who over 15 plays video games? What a loser!” He raged. I do, you stupid prick, I wanted to say. But I just stood there wide-eyed and silent. Be cool, me. Be cool.
As you can imagine, it didn’t work out. Plus he didn’t like my dog (or at least the idea of my dog in his kitchen) so I will not being seeing him again. Ever.
I have been asked on a date this weekend, however, with a guy who has never met me and has no idea what an incredible dork I am. I want to say yes, meet him for dinner, pretend I am normal, gradually let him in on the fact that I am indeed not at all normal and possibly get a second date. Something about free dinners makes paying $40 for a Match membership seem slightly worth it, wouldn’t you agree?
Here will be my first date rules:
1. Say as little
about yourself as possible. Just ask him a lot of questions and nod at the end
of his answers.
2. Do not say the
words ‘comic’, ‘zombies’ or ‘ninjas’ around him. Unless he says them first, of
course.
3. Find out
immediately if he is a dog person. If not, quietly stab him in the face with a
fork and leave.
4. Do NOT do any of
your impressions. Not the Captain Kirk one, not the Christopher Walken one and
definitely not the Sean Penn one.
5. No matter how smart
he is, no matter if he is a Captain Hammer look-a-like, no matter if he owns a
VW bug, 12 dogs and loves to recycle, no matter how drunk you get… DO NOT MAKE
OUT WITH HIM. And don’t sleep with him. Keep your inner slut in check, me!
Wish me luck. Hasta la pasta mi amigos.
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