But then day three happened. All of a sudden my email blew up, winks were
coming at me left and right and comedy ensued. Here are some fun tidbits from
my weekend on Match:
- A
guy emailed me this: “I noticed we have a lot of interests in common and would
like to take this a step forward. Where would you like to go out?” My first
thought was, what a presumptuous little man. Sharing interests does not
automatically put you in the dating category. If Charles Manson liked dogs,
wine-tasting, sci-fi movies, museums, film festivals and video games that
wouldn’t mean I’d like to have dinner with the guy. (Actually, I would like to
have dinner with Manson just so I could say, “Guess who the hell I just had
dinner with?!”) But that wasn’t even the weird thing about his email. The weird
thing was that we did not have one single interest in common. NOT ONE. Holy cut
and paste email, greatcatch32. And no thank you.
-
Everyone in my area has the word ‘Texas’ in their name. Texashotman, texlover1976,
texasaggiesrule, texanhunk415, and on and on and on. Not only is it uncreative
and annoying, it is infuriating. I know where you live! I live here too! And it
isn’t that great. Certainly not great enough to make it part of your user name.
No no and no. When I see ‘tex’anything, I automatically delete and move on.
- I
decided to throw in a picture of me with my Hello Kitty coffee cup. It is not a
pretty picture. I hadn’t actually had any coffee yet so my eyes are puffy and
tired. In it I am wearing thick black-rimmed glasses and the camera is close
enough to my face to show all my wonderful flaws. I figured this will keep the superficial
creepers away from me. But no. Instead I got, “you look hot in glasses”, “hello
kitty is sexy”, and “you look like a dirty librarian.” Really? My one blah picture
and that’s which one the wierdos like? Jesus. And do these lines ever work for
you ladies? I knew he was the one when he
told me I looked like a dirty librarian.
- One
emailed simply read: “You are cute!” Okay, are we twelve? How does one even
respond to that? “I know.” Or “Yes but I read your profile and your grammar is
atrocious which makes you the opposite of cute. You are the anti-cute.”
-
Profiles… don’t even get me started on profiles. Does no one know how to capitalize
“I”? No one? Is the shift key that evasive, that hard to reach? Look, if you
want to date a girl that graduated from the 8th grade, spend some
time on your profile. And for god’s sake use spellcheck. Please.
-
Football. Every man in Texas on Match has a maximum of three sentences about
what he is looking for in a girl and five paragraphs on football. AM I THE ONLY
HUMAN IN TEXAS THAT COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT FOOTBALL?! “Aggies fan need not
respond.” Not a problem. “If you hate the Longhorns then move on.” I don’t even
know what that is. “Blah blah blah destroy Oklahoma.” Are we at war with
Oklahoma? Holy crap. Imagine if these men spent half the time they spend on
football reading a book. Imagine.
- In
my profile I said that everything in life relates to The Big Lebowski, The
Walking Dead or Pulp Fiction. One of the emails I received references this
little fact-o-mine. He starts with questions about the movie Pulp Fiction to
see if I am a real fan. Boom! I answer all his silly inquiries. Except the last
one because by email number three I had got bored with being grilled about
the same damn movie. I decided he was off in the head and chose to simply ignore him. Then
this morning I woke up to this gem of an email: “Miss me yet?” No. And obviously
you are a baby murderer.
In other news, the ex came by to get the dog. It went peaceful enough.
We were civil at least. I guess we will have this exchange every Sunday. Yay. I
also have lots of fun-filled stories about this weekend and my adventures as
the new fulltime designated driver. I shall save all that for tomorrow. Am I
purposefully leaving you hanging, you ask? No, I am just lazy and I need to
pee.
Hasta La Pasta Amigos.
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