Stormtrooper and Why I am not Allowed Around Children

Anyone who knows me knows I am not a ‘kid’ person. Squeezing an entire human being out of my vagina so that it can keep me up all night, crap all over my house, cry like a drunk virgin on prom night ALL THE TIME, destroy what little I have left of my body, eat all my food, empty my bank account, and seriously impede on my wine drinking and overall irresponsible behavior is not something I envision enjoying. However, that does not mean that I necessarily dislike children. I just don’t want to own one nor  do I want to spend long periods of time around one.

A fun fact about younger kids is that they will believe almost anything you say without hesitation, no matter how ridiculous it is. As a parent, this is something you should be careful with. Sarcasm and dark humor could backfire on you. But as a childless adult, this is something you can use to entertain yourself when unsuspecting parents leave their kids with you.

For example, a coworker of mine decided to bring her daughter to work a few weeks ago. The daughter had strep throat that day (we will call her Stormtrooper as she is extremely serious, has a terrible trigger finger, likes to chase things and is white), and when small humans are carrying diseases like walking biological weapons, they are not allowed to attend daycare.

My coworker had set up a play area for Stormtrooper but the girl was having none of that. So Stormtrooper made her way into my office. A lot. The thing about this child was that she had this very mischievous look in her eyes. Like at any moment she would squiggle all over your walls with a purple sharpie, flush your money down the toilet and kick your dog into next Tuesday and it would all be part of some master plan to destroy you. I can appreciate that. You can’t ask a tiny evil genius to leave, can you? No. You can’t.

After reading her a book about irresponsible fish parents and a group of inept firefighters who leave complete control of a burning building to a bunch of inexperienced children and their cat (who writes this shit?), I had no choice but to engage Stormtrooper in conversation. The following are a few tidbits:

Scary Stories –

Stormtrooper (ST): You know what’s scary?

Me: What?
ST: Monsters.
Me: You know what’s scarier than monsters?
ST: What?
Me: The government!
ST: (wide-eyed) OOOOH!!

Kidnappers –

ST: I need to go potty!

Coworker: Wait for me to take you.
ST: I wanna go by myself!
Me: That is not a good idea.
ST: Why?
Me: Because there are people who hide in the bathroom and wait for little girls to come in alone so that they can kidnap them.
ST: Really?
Me: Yes. It’s a very serious problem. And they all have red hair. That is why we don’t like redheads.
ST: (nodding her head) Ok. I’ll wait.

Best Friends –

ST: I have three best friends.

Me: That is impossible. You can only have one. It’s why they are called “best”.
ST: My mom says I can have as many as I want.
Me: Your mom is a liar.
ST: (looking unconvinced) But I have three.
Me: Look. What you need to do is draw a circle, make them step into the circle and then fight it out. Whoever is left standing… that is your BEST friend. What are their names?
ST: Andrea, Holly and Sammy.
Me: Ok. One has to be a ninja. Who will that be?
ST: Andrea.
Me: I was thinking that too. Now who will be the Samurai?
ST: Holly.
Me: Great! Now what will Sammy be?
ST: Nothing.
Me: Yeah, Sammy ain’t much of a fighter, huh? We might as well just rule him out before he gets himself hurt.
ST: Yeah, Sammy can’t fight.

I have to say, I kind of liked this Stormtrooper kid. She was smart. Unfortunately, though, my coworker has not brought her back in. I am going to pretend that it is because ST has been busy at daycare but I hear there was an incident with ST telling Grandma that her friends had to fight it out to be with her and that Grandma wanted to know where she learned such things. (shrug)