A Revelation and the List

Last night I came to a revelation. Not like a smack-you-in-the-face sort of epiphany. More like a wow-I-think-I-get-it-20-minutes-after-talking-about-it thing. So what was this aha moment, you ask? Jesus, I’m only five sentences deep, calm down… I’m getting there.

It all started when somebody asked me what was the longest amount of time I had ever spent single. I had to think about it for a minute. That’s a tough question for me. Embarrassingly, the longest I have gone without a boyfriend has been a year. What the fuck? That’s it, I thought? A year? How could that possibly be? I enjoy being by myself, maybe more than I should. I like not answering to anyone, not having to clean after anybody, not being held accountable for my bad decisions, not being judged, not arguing, owning the remote control, decorating my own space, jumping on my furniture, singing to my dog, living off of mac & cheese and champagne, and so on. So what’s the deal, me? Why such little time alone?

And then it dawned on me (this was not my revelation… wait for it). It wasn’t a fear of loneliness that pulled me into relationships. It was my incredible naivety.

 

There used to be two ways to sweep me off my feet. Be charming and pursue me. If a guy was persistent in these two categories, I was hooked.

Not anymore, though. Charm and pursuit mean little to me now. Don’t misunderstand, I like charm. But real charm, not packaged-from-the-movies charm. And although I love being pursued (what girl doesn’t), it is most certainly not a deal maker. Neither of them are.

So for eight months I turned down dates, said no to being exclusive, and discovered that a night of Netflix and Hulu Plus was remarkably more interesting than the guys who were asking me out. 5 years until Mr. Right shows up? Sure, I’ll be drinking wine on my couch, watching Supernatural and eating veggie chips. Tell him to bring another bottle and some In-N-Out when you see him.

Of course, then Wil Wheaton came around and my waiting 5 years plan went all to hell. Why? Well, shit, he’s god damn Wil Wheaton. Don’t ask me stupid questions.

What does this have to do with my revelation? Okay, fine, I got wordy in my intro. Fucking deal with it.

 

THE REVELATION

Being single in Dallas was the easiest thing in the world to do. Sure, I can say, “Oh, I am so picky now blah blah blah.” Which is sort of true but also bullshit. The reality? The men from here are horrible. Seriously horrible. Like stab-myself-in-the-throat-before-I-spend-more-than-15-minutes-with-them horrible. Horrible enough that being single is a relief. Think I am exaggerating? Come hang out in my neighborhood for an evening. You will be amazed!

And if you are a decent woman who happens to live in the DFW area, for god’s sake find someone who moved here from somewhere else or who hasn’t been here longer than four years. Because the level of shithole douche-baggery is astounding.

I have a list of things that I cannot stand in men (yeah, I have a list for everything) and although it doesn’t seem like it could be possible, all Dallas men fall into one or more of these categories. ALL DALLAS MEN. Hence the 'easy being single here' phenomenon. Here is my ’7 Types of Men I Cannot Stand List’, also known as the ‘The Men Who Are From Dallas List’.

THE LIST

1.      The Superficial Asshole – I hear guys complain all the time about women being superficial. Don’t worry, boys, we ain’t got nothing on you. Sure, I adore a nice pair of shoes, a cute handbag, a tailored dress, a few diamonds here and there. But mostly I like comfy pajamas and matching hoodies. What I’m saying is, don’t fucking size up my income by what I am wearing or my potential to be your arm candy by what I look like. I may not be a size 3 with big tits and a large bank account but I’m god damn funny, halfway smart, annoyingly optimistic, and a clever little bitch. This is what you should be focused on. And who the hell wants to be with a guy that can’t appreciate Hello Kitty pj’s and fuzzy slippers? Who?! Nobody, that’s who.

2.      The Rude Boy – Is it really that hard to say please, or thank you, or open a door for the people behind you, or give a compliment, or understand that sometimes waitresses have bad days, or help an old lady carry her groceries, or let someone talk, or not yell at my dog because he happened jump on you and then look at me like I’m the bitch even though I obviously had him on a leash and you’re the dick who wanted to pet him despite my warning you that he is a jumper? Real sexy, no manners guy. Real sexy.

3.      The Bullshit Nice Guy – Some men have smartened up in the last few years and have finally come to realize that most of us women actually do like nice guys. We don’t just like them, we adore them. The problem is, is for far too long men have been under the impression that we all go for the bad boy type. So they’ve been spending decades fine tuning their asshole abilities in order to get laid. It’s become ingrained in them. Now, suddenly they are starting to understand that we see bad boys as infantile and piggish. Oh shit, they think, we got to change course. Time to be nice. Guess what? We can see through this. At least most of us can. Being nice to the girl you’re trying to hit on and then treating everyone else around you like a piece of shit does not fool us. I suggest behavioral therapy. Maybe working out your mommy issues. Or dating a horrid bitch. All of which are suitable.

4.      The Uninteresting Man – Ok, being uninteresting does not make you a bad person; it just makes you someone I cannot stand being around. There are millions of things going on in this world, millions of things to explore or to learn about or to study or to experience. If you can’t find one thing to be passionate about, then I will think something is seriously mentally wrong with you. Look, it doesn’t have to be interesting to me. Just interesting enough to you that it evokes some sort of emotion. If you sit across the table from me with a monotone voice and no hobbies or interests whatsoever, then the only thing I will be thinking about is what it feels like to stab myself in the face with a fork just to get over the pain of being in your company. Oh, you think I’m being dramatic? No! I’m being interesting. Face stabbing is a hobby of mine.

5.      The Bitter Boy – This might actually be the worst one of the bunch. This is the guy who got burned by the love of his life and is now convinced that all women are evil whores. Here’s his process:

Pick a girl who gives all the signs of being an evil whore (not that hard to see which of us are).

Fall in love with her.

Date and/or marry that girl.

Act shocked when she lies/cheats/steals/fucks your best friend.

Come to the conclusion that all women must be like her.

See, it isn’t his anger that makes him intolerable. It’s his clear lack of any intelligence. You want to know a secret? I’ve been cheated on, lied to, stolen from, etc. Why? Because I dated shitty people. How can I be bitter over my own terrible decisions? And guess what? Not all guys are like that. Some are beautiful and kind people who treat women with respect and love. I know. I’m friends with these types.

So when a man whines to me about all women being awful people, all he's actually saying to me is, “I’m too fucking stupid to make good decisions.” And stupidity is ugly. Very very ugly.

6.      The Male Slut – Jesus Christ, this one is annoying. I get it, men like to get laid. They are hardwired to like getting laid. I don’t judge guys for having these urges. Maybe even acting out on them occasionally. But here’s the thing that male sluts never understand… there is a reason that the only women who actually want to be with them are trashy, emotionally unstable, insecure, mentally off, or amazingly stupid girls. Or all of the above. And there is a reason that good women are disgusted by them. Why, you ask? Because when a decent and confident female knows that a guy will sleep with anything or try to sleep with anything, she knows there is nothing special about him sleeping with her. And let’s face it, a stable woman wants to feel special. Emotionally and sexually. She knows that she is worth more than what he wants to give her. How does she know? Because what he wants to give her, he wants to give to anything with a hole.

The worst part is that most of these men act this way not out of out-of-control sexual urges but because of a desperate need for attention and deep down insecurity. So it’s not like you can be mad at them for it. Just very sorry. At a distance. Usually a bar lengths apart.

On a side note, I have seen a lot men fall into this trap after a terrible break up. This is the only time it is forgivable. It usually lasts for 6 months to a year (sometimes longer) and is part of their process, a revenge of sorts. But if it is not in their nature, it will never last. Just be careful ladies, wait until he finishes his sex tantrum before you try dating him.

7.      The Dolt – Fucking hell. If I have to explain anything to a guy like he is a Kindergartener, I’m immediately put off by him. He doesn’t have to be Albert Fucking Einstein. Maybe just know that the sun is a star, or that Africa is not a country, or that Joe Biden is the Vice President, or that Germany wasn’t the only country we fought during World War II, or that mixing blue and yellow makes green. It isn’t like I am being an elitist here. It’s just that if a man says he has graduated from high school, I want to be able to believe it.

Here are conversations I have had that have left me both ashamed of public education and completely in awe of how ridiculously stupid people can be.

Me: What’s the last book you read?

Him: Where the Red Fern Grows. They made me read it in high school.

Me: Okay… did you enjoy it at least?

Him: I don’t remember it. Was that the one where they shot the dog?

Me: No, that’s Old Yeller.

Him: Oh yeah. I liked that movie. 

Him: We went surfing in the Atlantic Ocean.

Me: I thought you were in Ventura? Like as in California.

Him: I was.

Me: The movie is on the 12^th chapter, thirteen minutes in. Just remember so we will know where we left off.

Him: How do you know that?

Me: It says on the DVD Player. CH12. 13:02.

Him: Wow. It’s like you read code!

Him: Our old house had a peanut tree in the backyard.

Me: No it didn’t.

Him: Why would I lie about that?

Me: No idea. But peanuts do not grow on trees.

Him: These did!

Me: No. They most certainly did not.

 

Whew! That took forever! It's like I never shut up.

BTW: Here's a little secret. If you are a man and you are reading this, most normal women have this exact list and we are judging you.

In other news… I feel like tonight I’m going to switch things up. Red wine and soup. Then Flying Saucer and cigars. For some reason, I felt you should know this. You are welcome.