My Attempt at Advice

Every now and then, a friend of mine will call or text me asking for advice. Don’t get me wrong, I love playing therapist. The problem is… I suck at it. At least with women I do. My guy friends are easy. I just lay down the truth, fill their bellies with alcohol and find a girl to sleep with them. Boom! Problems solved. Women, however, are not that simple. They require a delicate approach, a sunny prospective on the future, tissues for their tears, someone to hold their hand and talk through their feelings. And let’s be honest, I’m not good at tissues or happy-faces or motivational clichés. I’m more like the suck-it-up and bottle-your-feelings-like-a-man kind of girl. Why? Because crying women are scary. Myself included.

Last night a good friend of mine from Michigan called. She has been having trouble with her boyfriend. Well, she calls it trouble. I call it “that’s what happens when you date a cheating asshole with no moral standards and drug problem”. Potato potato.

Here was our conversation and my less-than-amazing advice.
 
Michigan Friend (MF): Kyle broke up with me last week.
Me: Wow. Sorry to hear that.
MF: I already miss him. I feel like my heart is in my stomach.
Me: I wish I could say something to make you feel better but you know I suck at this. I love you, though. Does that help?
MF: Yes. Sort of. How did you get over your breakup so easy?
Me: Easy? Are you fucking kidding? I don’t do anything easy. Watching me sort through my issues is like watching a train plow into a house full of babies. It’s very messy, the public is usually outraged, blood and screaming everywhere, people threatening lawsuits… you know, typical stuff.
MF: That isn’t at all how your breakup went.
Me: Yeah, but it would have been a hell of lot more interesting if it had. Look, you can’t ask me for breakup or relationship advice. Have you seen my life? My formula for dealing with anything is to eat an entire box of macaroni and cheese and chase it with a bottle of Korbel Brut. If I am not sitting in a bar or drinking with friends, I’m dressed in pj’s, eating chocolate and  watching ungodly amounts of TV. My life is a day by day catastrophe. If you ask me where I see myself in 5 years, I’ll stare at you blankly and picture myself wrestling a polar bear for a granola bar and a block of cheese. I won’t share that image with you, of course, because it makes no sense. In other words, I’ve got limited wisdom here and zero inspirational bullshit quotes to throw at you.  
MF: But you seem so happy right now. How did you do it?
Me: Okay. Here’s what I did, take it or leave it. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and created a life around the things I enjoyed. Once I realized that the one person who will never leave me is me, because it’s physically impossible to do, and I started loving myself enough to build a life around the things that make me happy, then everything just fell into place. At least, I think everything did. I don’t fucking know. Also, I’ve been doing this whole ‘trust my gut’ and ‘don’t overthink stuff’ thing lately. Seems to be working.
MF: How do you not overthink stuff?
Me: Hmm… I keep busy, I tell myself to shut the fuck up and when my mind starts getting too creative in the paranoia department, I pour wine down my throat and go to bed. It works fabulously.
MF: I think you are downplaying your process.
Me: I’m truly not. I’d love to Dr. Phil your ass about your breakup but there are worse things in this world than the end of relationships and more important things than dating. If you want to waste your days boohoo-ing over men, be my guest. Me, I want to finish my novel, travel the world, survive a week in the wild, destroy my fear of water, start volunteering again, find god, take a physics class for no reason, live in Tibet for a month and learn the violin. You know, things that do not require me chasing a man and giving up my life. So if you’re looking for someone to pander to your broken heart, you’ve come to the wrong place.
MF: That’s not what I’m looking for.
Me: Then find your formula. And for god’s sake stop searching for someone else to make yourself feel complete. The world is a big place with lots of things to do and you’re a smart enough girl to conqueror it on your own. When the right man comes along, be stable and happy enough to enjoy it with him. When the wrong one leaves, celebrate. Keep lots of wine on hand and never underestimate the power of shopping for shoes. That’s all I got.
MF: You're not going to give me the scientific/evolution speech about breakups?
Me: Nah. I gave up on that one years ago. No one listens to logic.
MF: You really do suck at this.
Me: I told you. I’d love to keep cheering you up but I have half a bottle of wine to finish and a season of Sherlock to start. I’ll call you tomorrow and make sure you’ve snapped out of this self-pitying bullshit thing you’ve got going on.
MF: Thank you. I think.
Me: Love you.
MF: Love you too…