Kiss of Death, Squirting and Breeding

Do you remember Out of Shape Sex Girl? No? Jesus, I wrote an entire blog about her. I’m beginning to think you don’t read these posts. Anyways, she had a date the other night with a guy she’s been talking to. She met him on OkCupid (I didn’t even know that website was still around) and they hit it off fabulously. The bonus is that he has a 50/50 chance of being a decent man. Why? Because he’s from San Louis Obispo. Not a bad place to meet someone interesting and/or intelligent. There’s a college there, people usually have jobs in that area, the ocean causes people to be hippie-chill, tons of artists live there, blah blah blah.

So how did it go? Exactly the question I wanted an answer to too.

Me: So how was your date with Steve?
Out of Shape Sex Girl (OOSSG): (giggle)
Me: Hello? How was it?
OOSSG: (still giggling)
Me: Your laugher implies that you had sex.
OOSSG: (giggling) We did!
ME: Wait! I have to ask. Were you in shape enough for this one?
OOSSG: I don’t know. I made him do all the work.
Me: Fair enough. This is starting off good. Break down the date for me.
OOSSG: Let’s see. I had to go back to Bakersfield the next day but I drove out from Tehachapi. Yeah… the date was good.
Me: That is hands down the worst description of a date I have ever heard. In fact, that has nothing to do with your date. I want details! Where did you eat?
OOSSG: Fine. I walked in the door and immediately ravished him and dragged him into the bedroom.
Me: Wow. Even I have never done that on a first date. I’m impressed.
OOSSG: Yep. Then we had amazing sex all night.
Me: Did you ever eat anything? Besides his cock?
OOSSG: We had lunch the next day. Does that count?
Me: Sure.
OOSSG: But the sex. Oh, god. The sex was amazing. I even looked into his eyes when we were doing it.
Me: No! Oh, no no no! You NEVER do that. My god, have I not taught you anything? Looked into his eyes during sex? That’s the kiss of death! For two decades of my sexual life I purposefully never did that. I was married and I never did that! Jesus! What were you thinking?
OOSSG: I liked looking into his eyes. It was nice. I think your over-dramatizing this.
Me: Really? Are you bat shit head-over-heals about him now?
OOSSG: I am.
Me: You know why? Because you looked into his fucking eyes while his dick was in you. You know what you did? You turned a fun sex night into some romantic lovemaking session. Now you’re screwed. We need to find a way to undo this for you.
OOSSG: Where the hell do you look then?
Me: You close your eyes like a normal person! That way you aren’t throwing your entire soul out there. Once you do the looking into his eyes thing… you’re hooked. That guy has you. It’s much harder to lock down your emotions after that. Trust me. And now you have the capacity to feel sadness and be heartbroken if shit goes awry. Whatever you do, don’t do it again. We might be able to fix this.
OOSSG: I think you need to try it more often.
Me: You are out of your fucking mind!
OOSSG: Apparently I squirted too.
Me: What do you mean apparently?
OOSSG: He said I did but I didn’t feel it.
Me: I think you’d know if you did something like that. That’s some magical crazy sex shit. You’d have to know.
OOSSG: Not really. I know squirters and none of them can ever feel when they do it.
Me: I don’t know how to feel about this. It sounds like a mess.
OOSSG: Oh. And he has a daughter.
Me: Is that good or bad?
OOSSG: It’s good. I told him I was glad he has a kid so he won’t want to breed off of me.
Me: Nice! I like that.
OOSSG: That he has a daughter?
Me: No! That you aren’t going to breed! Duh.

In other news: It’s my birthday!! Which means a night of wine and shots and dancing and possibly not remembering a thing! Woo hoo. It also means that at 39, I live in neighborhood full of college-minded 20 year olds, I drink nearly every night, I play video games and watch movies until my eyes bleed, I have a dog that is my child, and I have no nutritional food in my fridge. Not really where I pictured myself being at 39. But god damn it is fun.