Anal Recommendations

Alright, Amazon, we need to have a serious talk. Just because I bought one vibrator off your website (the only sex toy I have ever purchased from you), that does not mean you need to take a giant leap in the ‘recommendations’ department and go right into butt plugs and anal beads.

Listen, I would understand if I was going crazy and buying a bunch of dildos, strap ons and crotchless underwear. You might think, “maybe this girl would like a butt plug or two”. But let’s look at my 6 month history, shall we?

1.      California Exotics Waterproof Delights Blue Jelly – Vibrator

2.      Fugazi 13 Songs – MP3 Album

3.      Civilization and it’s Discontent’s – Kindle Book

4.      No Plot, No Problem – Kindle Book

5.      HDMI Cord – Electronics

6.      Roku Power Cord – Electronics

7.      Sons of Anarchy – Instant Video

8.      Walking Dead – Instant Video

9.      Being Human – Instant Video

10.   Run With the Hunted – Kindle Book

11.   Redken Conditioner – Beauty

From all this, you have determined that I have an anal fetish? And it wasn’t like you just snuck one in there. You had everything from pink plugs to intro beads to advanced beads. Wow. I actually feel somewhat violated.

I will say this, while skimming over your new and incredibly presumptuous recommendations, I was shocked to see that on one of the set of anal beads there were 116 reviews. 116!! I am in awe that that many people took time out of their day to write about how they were either thrilled or disappointed by their experience. Mostly thrilled (yeah, I had to look). And I really am deeply disturbed and intrigued by this. Not that they enjoyed or hated the beads but that they wrote on a very public website very intimate details about their sex lives. And these weren't anonymous reviews, mind you. These were Bob from California. Or Debbie the Book Lover. Or Chunky Money Mama. Is nothing private anymore (says the girl who blogs about her vibrators)? Let’s check some of the reviews out, shall we?

THE GOOD (there were lots of good, but I chose this one to share)

This is a steal for the price. Quality construction and the perfect size for beginners. I’ve used them on myself, which is great… but it is way more fun to use them on my partner. I recommend trimming the first two beads as the other reviewers have suggested due to the redundancy of them. They add a bit to the length and unless your ass is extremely tight (yeah, he really wrote that) you will not feel them at all anyways. My girlfriend and I love these in the bedroom (where else would you love these?), she can’t get enough of them.

THE BAD

I have purchased beads on a string before (Beads on a string? Really?) and assumed these would be the same. No. It’s stiff plastic and has rough edges. Get something better. This is a throwaway.

THE UGLY

I’m not really the type of person to leave reviews at all (So you chose anal beads as your first?) especially items like this (LIAR! I see you also reviewed a vibrating strap on!). However, they are DANGEROUS in my opinion. We never played with these before. The first go went fine. The second one: nope! I found that the rubber strand had cracked and parts were nearly separated. Scary, as nobody wishes anything to uh “get lost”. (As much as I understand your concern, lost ass beads are inconvenient but not dangerous. Lost razor blades, now that would be dangerous.)

Don’t worry, Amazon. I did find out how to take things off my recommendation list so all is back to normal. But I would really love to understand the masturbation/anal probe link. Feel free to email me.

In related news: My Waterproof Delights Blue Jelly will be delivered today. Check back for my official review (that will not be shared on Amazon).