Me: So this isn’t going to fall out?
Doc: No. Me: How does it not come out during sex? It seems so low, so easy to remove.
Doc: It won’t come out.
Me: It feels like it is dangerously close to my g-spot. Maybe not exactly near it, but definitely on the same path. If it blocks my g-spot, I’m going to be pissed.
Doc: (laughing) You won’t even notice it. And it won’t block anything.
Me: Good. Then I think this might end up being my most favorite ring ever. I used to have an emerald one that I wore all the time; loved that ring. But all it did was look pretty. This one, however, has magic.
Doc: It's just a release of hormones that causes your body to stop producing eggs. That's all it is.
Me: Like I said. Magic.
Phone conversation this morning –
Sumo Baby (SB): Did you go to the doctors for the flu or for birth
control?
Me: Birth control. I got the NuvaRing.SB: Can you feel it?
Me: Nope. My doc said I had the perfect pelvis for it. I guess I have some sort of arch. Who knew?
SB: That’s creepy.
Me: My arch is creepy?
SB: No! That your doctor knows the shape of your vagina.
Me: Uhm... he had his fingers up there. I think he had a pretty good idea about my shape.
SB: I still don’t understand why you have a male doctor. It’s so strange.
Me: Oh! I forgot to tell you. When he shoved it up there I almost said, “One ring to rule them all.” Which made me laugh the whole time he was putting it in. I’m pretty sure he thinks something is mentally wrong with me.
SB: Is that some Star Trek shit?
Me: Lord of the Rings. How do you not know that?
SB: And why did your doctor have to put it up there for you?
Me: To show me how to do it. He put it in and left the room so I could remove it and do it myself. Then he came back to check if I had done it right.
SB: He left the room?
Me: Yeah…
SB: Why?!?
Me: To give me privacy.
SB: He just had his fingers all up in your vag and he leaves the room to give you privacy? I think at that point the two of you were close enough that he could have stayed! I never understood that. Some doctor shoves binoculars up my vagina and then gives me privacy to get dressed. It doesn’t make sense!
Me: I never thought of it like that.
SB: I think of it like that all the time.
Me: I’m beginning to feel like he should have bought me dinner or something.
SB: Exactly.
So now that I am officially baby proofed, I think I will celebrate with
wine and fettuccini alfredo. Maybe a zombie movie. I mean, nothing says ‘I hate
babies’ like merlot, pasta and zombies. Am I right?
In other news, I know I wrote in a previous blog about how the
writers I admire were all crazy drunks but I am beginning to think my love of this trait extends to all the men I have ever admired or adored.
Case in point: My favorite comedian EVER has got to be Doug Stanhope. He is a
wretched drunk, an amazing performer, a great writer, and a god damned genius.
He is the most interesting train wreck in the entertainment industry and
definitely one of the most underrated comedians.
Today I was youtube-ing through some of his old material when I came
across a bit he did on marriage. People have asked me why I do not feel the
need to jump into another marriage. It’s hard for me to explain. It isn’t
necessary, I want to tell them. It’s a very expensive concept that we have
invented for very selfish reasons. And it isn’t like I am opposed to the idea of marriage… I just feel ‘meh’ about it. Sure, you guys go do
that, I’ll be over here saving money and not dealing with lawyers and churches.
Anyways, I think in the below clip, Stanhope expresses EXACTLY what I think
about this subject. I am going to have to memorize this so I have an answer
ready for the next person who thinks a woman my age should be ‘settled down and
married.’
BTW: You must go to his website and click on his contact page. He really will drunk dial you. And he will write you back. And you will love it.
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