You are right. Your bright red coat makes you very noticeable.
And to answer your first three questions: 1. Yes, I should know to slow down at
the god damn cross walk. 2. No, I am not fucking blind. 3. At times I can be a
moron, so my answer is yes, I am a fucking moron.
However, I feel I need to put this in perspective so that you understand
why I almost killed you. Last week I bought a new book on audible.com. ‘Agent
to the Stars’. And guess who the narrator is? The REAL Wil Wheaton. I had one
other book to finish before I could start it and today was the day. Exciting, huh? But let’s face it, the audible book isn’t going to turn on and play
itself. No. I have to look at my phone, find the app, pull up the book, put in
my headphones and press play. I mean, really, how am I supposed to make a forty-five
minute journey to work without jamming out to audio books? Therefore, can you
honestly say that it is my fault for nearly slamming into your body and
possibly dragging you a few feet? I think not.
Furthermore, who the hell wears a red coat? Are you Santa?
Because you looked all of 30 years old and everyone knows Santa is 72. Maybe
you are British? Hmmm… I think not. When you told me to go fuck myself it was
clearly in an American accent. And I have to ask, why the hell was your jacket
so damn puffy? You live in Dallas for crying out loud! Did the artic
temperature of 64° compel
you to break out your Mt. Everest gear before braving the sunny sidewalks and
snow-less streets today? I feel as though if I had hit you (which I would like
to point out that I did not) you might have had enough padding to be perfectly
fine.
And let’s talk about the way you flipped me off. When you
give someone the bird, the middle finger should be up and all other fingers,
INCLUDING THE THUMB, should be down. Why? Because when you leave that thumb up, it makes
it look like you are throwing me some Addison Circle gang sign or rocking out
to a death metal song you got going on in your head. Neither of which is
insulting to me. It’s just… confusing. Here’s my advice, use only the middle
finger, throw it up hard as if the finger itself is saying ‘fuck you’ and make
sure to glare at me all angry-faced. That last part is important because your
facial expression was one of fear and horror, which is not at all effective when flipping
someone off.
Lastly, when someone almost murders you with a moving
vehicle, please do not stop in the middle of the road to yell at them. You have
seen what happens when deer do that, right? Very bloody. Jesus, what were you
thinking? You stopped before I even hit my brakes! I feel like had I plowed you
over, I might have been able to argue that you killed yourself. Let me tell you
how I handle myself when someone tries to hit me with their car. I run. Fast.
Onto a sidewalk. That course of action has saved my life on numerous occasions.
I’m actually surprised you have made it to your thirties. I can only assume you
just have not crossed many streets in your lifetime. Or maybe this was your
first time doing it alone. Either way, always finish the crossing, especially
when oncoming cars are closing in.
All in all, it was a pleasurable experience meeting you. I’m
sorry for bringing you so close to your own death but now I feel like we are bonded
in a way. I hope I see you sometime when I am out and about. Or maybe I will
run into you (no pun intended) at a bar. Wouldn’t that be nice? I could share
more lifesaving advice and you could tell me stories about how you became so
unfashionable and retarded. What good times we could have.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Almost Killed You 
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