Finally! A Vibrator Decision

I did it! I finally ordered a usable vibrator and not a collectable one. I think I am beginning to understand this whole vibrator thing… you must be able to take it out of the box.

The only bad part was the shopping part. Jesus! So many sizes and materials and speeds and attachments and colors. What’s a girl to do? Why can’t I just get a 10 platter sampler kit and place my order after trying them all? I don’t even remember what I like!! It’s been so long! And so the quest for the holy vibrator began…

Size – Look, vibrator companies, not all us women what to cram a 9 inch plastic pipe up our vaginas. The old saying that ‘size matters’ is not a lie. But anything over 8 inches is terrifying. Not like I am a virginal little flower but, god damn it, I am delicate. And a little protective of what the hell goes in there. 9 inches? Are you out of your fucking minds? I decided that anything between 6 to 7 would be just fine. Which limited my selection greatly.

Material – Who the hell thought to make vibrators out of hard plastic? OUCH! Or metal? Still OUCH! But worse of all, glass. Whoa. Just whoa. I am not shoving anything with the potential to break into shards up there. I can imagine explaining that to the ER doctor.

ER Doc: How the hell did you get shards of glass in your vagina?

Me: It was my vibrator.

ER Doc: You really need to reassess your sex toy decisions. Looks like we’re going to have to put you down.

Me: I thought so.

See what I mean? Only soft jelly for this girl. Soft, unbreakable, ER free jelly.

Speeds – Okay. I get the awesomeness of speed. It’s what makes vibrators so appealing. But there is such a thing as too much speed. I don’t want to feel it in my teeth, people! The point is to have an orgasm, not to throw yourself into a seizure. 10 speed?!? God, no!

Attachments – Oh! Look at all the little detachable pieces. Way to appeal to my gadgety nerd side. So what’s the problem? I will lose every single piece. I can imagine having wine night with friends…

Friend: What’s this in your couch cushion?

Me: The bunny ear attachment.

Friend: The what?

Me: It’s for my clit. Pay no mind. More wine anyone?

Colors – Really? I could give a rat’s ass if it was pink or blue or red or black. Most the time the lights will be off. And since I can’t display it, what the hell does it matter? Do girls really base something as important as a vibrator decision on color coding? Idiots.

In the end, I think I found the vibrator of my dreams. It’s 6 ½ inches. Perfect! It’s made of a soft jelly. It has three amazing speeds. It’s blue (who gives a shit). It has awesome reviews. But here is the best part of all. It’s waterproof! What? Showers just got way better. I am going to be the cleanest bitch you ever met. Ever.