Last week, this conversation happened:
Sumo Baby (SB): I need to catch up on Blacklist.
Me: Oh my god, I love that show!
SB: It’s so weird but there is something about James Spader…
Me: He’s hot, right?SB: No! I mean… I don’t know. Not at first but then he slowly becomes good looking.
Me: Yep. Like if you saw a picture of him you’d be like, ‘meh’. But when you see him talk and watch his mannerisms, he becomes sexy. I see this all the time in real life. Hell, half the men I have slept with fall into this category.
SB: It’s so weird.
Me: I think I am going to call this the ‘James Spader Effect’.
Why is that relevant, you ask? Jesus, hold on! I’m getting to it. Earlier
this week my boss and I met with one of our subcontractors up in Nashville. Our
sub was older, maybe mid-fifties, with dark-circled eyes and an awkwardly tall
build. But then this Tennessee drawl came sliding out of his mouth and he stood
up and walked the room like he owned it and all of a sudden he was strikingly
handsome. Plus he had this perpetual niceness about him so that even when he was
telling the consultant sitting at the table to go fuck himself, it sounded like
he was offering him sweet tea and biscuits. Total James Spader Effect.
Then again, almost all of Nashville was like this. As much I love
intelligence in men (yes, I am a sapiosexual at heart), kindness can make
anyone beautiful. The men in Nashville all have this down. They open doors,
pull out chairs, call you ma'am, get you drinks, pick up your tab, offer you
their coat, and so on. They definitely have a southern politeness and charm
that I am unaccustomed to. This would be a dangerous place for me to live.
But Dallas is in the south, you argue! Yeah, I know, I know. But trust
me, most people in Dallas have the anti-James Spader Effect. There are a lot of
very rude humans out here. Don’t believe me? In 2012, these people were ranked
#6 as the rudest people in the entire US. A generous ranking for sure.
2012 Rudest Cities
Why don’t you just move, you ask? Wow! You’re getting mouthy. I plan on
moving. And soon. No idea where. Maybe up to Denton. Maybe somewhere near my
job. Maybe completely out of this state. But definitely far away from Dallas.
And the ex; I need to move far from him too. I mean, we live five doors down
from each other. Not a good situation for either of us.
Speaking of the ex, one of his best friend’s died in a motorcycle
accident this week so I made the decision to reach out to him. Just a text to
say that I was sorry for his loss and that if he needed anything to let me know.
He called and as you can imagine, it did not go well. Let’s just say that when it comes to logical decision making, like ‘do NOT text your ex even if it
is to offer your condolences,’ I am obviously a bit of a dolt. Okay okay, I’m a
fucking idiot. Geesh. You’re a tough crowd today.
(Deep sigh)
To add to my not-that-good-of-a-day, I am trying to think of a polite
way to tell someone to fuck off. Not too long ago I had a few dates with a
musician from New Orleans. He is definitely looking for a friends-with-benefits
scenario and I am not. Besides my vagina being on lockdown, I kind of feel like most guys never truly get the ‘friends’ part of friends-with-benefits. And aren’t
I better than that? Don’t I deserve more than that? I think so.
Anyways, at some point he
thought it would be appropriate to sext me. I cannot convey to you how bad I am
at that. I don’t even try. There is nothing, NOTHING, sexy about text messaging.
This is how I deal with sext messages:
Musician Dude (MD): I’d really like to see you naked.
Me: I doubt that. I have this really weird mole on my left thigh and it is very distracting. It’s like, ‘oh she’s nak… what the shit is on her thigh?’.
MD: I would never think that.
Me: Well, you will now.
MD: Would you like me to send you a dirty picture of myself?
Me: Absolutely not. It's too dangerous.
MD: Dangerous?
Me: Yes. I would just share it with my friends and we'd laugh at you and you never know where it could end up.
MD: Are you joking?
Me: Yes. No. Possibly. My advice? Don’t chance it.
Plus he uses words like wiener and coochy. What the hell is wrong with
you Musician Dude? You are in your mid-forties. TALK LIKE IT!!
My solution so far has been to ignore his texts but he is not getting the hint. Either
I am going to have fun with this and start texting him back some crazy crap like
‘I’d love to peel all your skin off’ or I’m just going to be honest and tell
him he is fucking creeping me out. Tea and biscuits, anyone?
Oh, come now. "Coochie" is perfectly understandable for a man in his 40's. It would likely mean that he was a fan of "2 Live Crew" in his teens. While not enough of a fan to purchase their albums he likely recorded their songs from the radio which would be why he uses the word "coochie" instead of "pussy" as the lyric goes on their album. That being said, if he were such a devotee of the Crew (as opposed to The Crüe) he would likely be into "big booty and big ol' titties (specifically referred to as being silicone)" as well which seems out of place in this situation.
ReplyDeleteAs for the the use of the word "weiner"....for that, I've no explanation.
I am curious. Which is a more powerful characteristic, "The James Spader Effect", or "The Kindness Paradox (also known as "The Ron Perlman Effect")"? I mean, sure, smart is sexy but what if he's also an utter asshole? On the flip-side, a person embodying most of the characteristics that you find physically unattractive but is the kindest person in the world...which is the more powerful force?