The problem with ‘paying attention’ for men, however, is
that it takes away time from where they would rather be investing their
energies in. Football, TV, beer, sleeping, thinking about food, thinking about
sex, robots, preparing for the zombie apocalypse, and so on.
But don’t worry, guys, I’ve created a seven point list on
understanding women that should help you safely navigate your way through your marriage,
relationship, one night stand or hooker. Okay, maybe it’s just the basics but
it’s better than nothing. Trust me. Now listen close.
1. If we aren’t having sex with you, it’s because
we have serious issues with you.
Remember how in the beginning of the relationship,
your woman was putting out every day? It’s because we actually like sex. No, we
LOVE sex. We want to please you, make you happy, turn you on, try new things. And guess
what? We NEVER get bored of this. We could do this forever.
But piss us off enough, make us bite our
tongues, no longer put us first, stop romancing us and our sex drive shuts the
fuck off. We never do this without warning, though. We always try to address
our issues with you, it’s in our nature. But if you have ignored us or brushed
us off or not listened to us, the issue will never be resolved and our vagina
will dry right the fuck up.
So, gentlemen, if you want a lot of sex the
rest of your life, keep your woman happy. And the second sex starts slowing
down, you better find out what is going on inside her privately pissed off mind
and repair it. Immediately.
2. Be very afraid of the word “whatever”.
If you ever here this word come out of her mouth, you are in some serious shit. Translation: Go fuck yourself. Nothing good,
and I mean nothing good, ever comes after this three syllable word is uttered.
You have crossed some crazy line and all the hellfire and fury that she has
been trying to keep under lock is two seconds from spewing out of her. Your
only courses of action are to start apologizing, start running, or figure out
what you just did and fix it.
3. We really are scared of spiders.
We aren’t trying to be cute. Those things
are assholes. One look into their beady little eyes and we can tell they are
going to try to kill us. So when we start screaming, you better be ready to
start slaying. And don’t toy with us!! “Oh look how little he is.” “It’s just a
harmless spider.” “You do know you are capable of killing it yourself?” Oh
yeah? Well, we don’t give a shit. Just take two seconds, play the hero and kill
the son of a bitch. We’ll love you for it. We’ll go to bed thinking of nothing
but your bravery and valor. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t show us the dead
body. Just flush the damn thing. Twice. So we know he’s really gone.
4. Most of the time, we are smarter than you.
Think you fooled us into believing you had
the stomach flu and that’s why you couldn’t have dinner with our parents? No, you
did not. Think you pulled the wool over our eyes when played too tired to go to
the wine tasting event you promised to take us to last week? No, you did not.
All the little tricks and games you have up your sleeve, we have most of them
figured out. Oh, we let you continue thinking you are clever, it’s called
choosing our battles, but you are most certainly not clever. And we never
forget. Which leads me to number 5….
5. We Never Forget.
Be careful what you say. Be very very
careful. Because we remember almost everything. Unlike men, who very conveniently
forget most of what comes out of our mouths, we have collected and stored 90%
of the information you have handed us. It’s innocent enough. We do it to everyone and
everything. It’s how we remember phone numbers, birthdays, shoe sales, and so
on. But that one time when you have formed a perfectly sound argument about
what-the-fuck-ever and it completely contradicts something you told us five
years ago… we will let you know. Loudly and confidently. That’s why I always
say I like my men quiet, it makes them look less ignorant in the long run.
6. We want to be romanced!
Notice how none of the great romance movies
show the guy doing nothing and the girl falling head over heals in love with
him? Yeah, because no girl falls for the ‘doing nothing’ guy. We want to be
romanced! Oh, we will pay you back in great blow jobs and clean kitchens. We’ll
actually do whatever it takes to keep you happy. Why? Because we fucking love
romance. See how we swoon over Sixteen Candles? How all of us love The Princess
Bride? It’s because that is what every girl dreams of. We want a man to sweep us off
our feet and make us feel special. ALL OF US DO! If your woman has ever said, “I
don’t need romance, I just need you” she is fucking lying her face off to you.
Jesus. How do you guys not get this?
7. Don’t assume we know how you feel just
because you tell us.
“Geesh, I tell her I love her all the time
and she acts like she doesn’t believe me.” Probably because she doesn’t
(flashback to my last relationship). Sure, you will babble on about how she is
acting insecure and not trusting you. Shut the fuck up. Women believe what they
see, not what they hear. Actions, fellows, actions. See how we do it? We cook
for you, clean up after you, get your beer for you, go out of our way to make
you happy. That’s called showing you we love you. You guys should try it
sometime. Maybe then your wife/girlfriend/secret-lover will believe the words
coming out of your mouth. Trust me on this one, if a long period of time goes by
where we don’t believe you, we’ll usually move on. (I say usually because some
of us hang around for way too long. O_o) Why will we move on? Because we have
no idea how you really feel and we aren’t going to stick around and assume.
There is so much more I would love to tell you about us, but
at this point I am beginning to feel a little male-bashy. Don’t fret, boys,
women are just as big of asshole as you are and need a similar list to understand
you. I’ll work on one.
Hasta La Pasta Kiddies!!
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