Lessons I Learned From Strippers

Not too long ago, I had a group of girlfriends that were… how should I put this… strippers. Some danced in clubs, some danced for private companies, some worked in Vegas.  And some of them lived with me. Whenever I reveal this little tidbit of information to females I meet, most of them do the ‘Eww. Strippers? Really? That’s so gross.’ thing. And most of them are hypocritical assholes.

Because of the judgment and long explanations and backstories I always have to give, the people I hang out with here in Texas know little about my stripper past. I know what you’re thinking. No, I never was a dancer. And honestly, it is only because I did not have the courage to be naked in public. That and I dislike people too much to dance for them. Unless they’ve already seen me naked. Then I suppose the dancing is on. You can thank strippers for any talent I might have in that department.

Here’s what I don’t understand, though. Sometimes I might bring up a subject that involves a ‘dancer’. All of a sudden half the room is up in arms about how women could behave like that. How could she exploit herself in that way? Wake up, ladies. I think it’s time to take a serious look at yourselves before you start getting all judge-y. First thing you need to do is admit that you probably fall into one of these four (five) categories.

1.      You get lonely, go to the bar for ‘a few drinks’, find a halfway decent looking man, go home with him, have crazy drunk sex with him, wake up the next morning, feel shitty about yourself, go home and repeat the same cycle a few nights later. Maybe you wait a week or so.

2.      You get lonely, go to the bar for ‘a few drinks’, flirt with all the attractive men, lavish in their attention, go home alone with a few new phone numbers, and repeat the same cycle a few nights later. Maybe you wait a week or so.

3.      You play it classy, wait for that boyfriend guy to come along, you lavish in his attention, have sex with him occasionally, find some sort of security in playing the relationship game until one of you gets bored, move on to the next one and repeat the cycle.

4.      You have no fucking clue what you are doing or what men are thinking and you just wing it and hope you don’t get murdered in the process.

5.      You’re married. In which case your problems are far more overwhelming than the first four groups and strippers are really the least of your concerns and this blog post has nothing to do with you other than maybe the last half and the fact that, yes, your husband probably goes to strip clubs and yes, you are both probably very miserable. Email me.

You want to know the ONLY difference between you and a stripper? A stripper gets paid for the above troubles (besides #5 because she is smarter than that). Thousands a night even. Okay, fine. She also gets naked in front of large groups of strange men but, honestly, in the world of cable and Calvin Klein ads, is it really that big of a deal? No. It isn’t.

And please do not get me started on women’s rights. You’ll just piss me off, say something arrogant and sound like a dumb ass. Women have the right to strip if that is what they choose. It’s their body and their decision. It’s only exploitation if they are forced to do so against their will or are underage. Same goes for pornography. Do not make me have this argument with you. You will lose.

So what is the point of all this stripper talk? The point is, kiddies, that some of the greatest lessons I have learned about life, men and sex, I have learned from strippers. And today I feel the need to share these lessons with you. You are welcome.

LESSONS I LEARNED FROM STRIPPERS

1.      CONFIDENCE

Nothing is more unattractive to a man than a woman who is not comfortable in her own body. Look, we all have flaws (a little too much ass, not enough boobs, a few wrinkles creeping around the eyes) but who the fuck cares. We are all beautiful. It isn’t the subtle imperfections that define us. It’s in how we use the things that make us beautiful (the curve of the hips, the length of the legs, the arch of the back), how we carry ourselves, and how we move. A man will look past anything if your presence is seductive enough to keep his attention. Trust me. Exotic dancers must master this if they are going to make tips. Black lights always help too. And glitter.

2.      THE ART OF THE TEASE

Want to keep a man’s attention in the bedroom? You better learn how to tease him. Any girl can grab a dick and put it inside her. There is absolutely nothing special about knowing how to have sex. But if you know how to stop at just the right moment, how to barely give him what he wants just when he is about to get it, how to linger just the right amount of time, then when you do finally grab it and go for it, it will be mind-blowing. For the both of you.

Strippers, however, can never do the grab and go. They have to live in the tease moment. $20 here, $50 dollars there. Any amount just to keep that fantasy of the follow through alive. Men are easy this way. This is how dancers make thousands a night.

3.      THE FANTASY/VARIETY

“Oh, our sex life is perfect. We always do the same position every other night in the same room around the same time,” said no sexually satisfied couple ever. Men love fantasy, they love being taken out of their environment, they love doing something different. This is why most men go to strip clubs. They want to fantasize, experience something new. Listen close, girls. DECENT men will never cheat on you. DECENT men usually find no need to go to strip clubs. But DECENT men, just like the cheating prick-hole ones, also like fantasy and variety. Actually, if you were being real with yourself, you women do too. So buy sexy outfits, role play, try new places and new things. Be open to his fantasies and share your own. Jesus. It’s 2014, not 1874. Put some adventure in your sex life… throughout your ENTIRE relationship.

4.      RESULTS

If you say no to your man often enough, you will destroy his sexual confidence. Men like to be needed sexually. And let’s face it, we do need them. So why is it that women have such a hard time showing them this. Have a headache? Let him fuck it out of you. Tired? You’ll sleep even better afterward. The power of the word no in the bedroom is devastatingly strong. Sure, every now and then it’s perfectly reasonable to not be in the mood. But never make it a habit. You will lose his sexual attention.

Strippers know this better than anyone else. Most of the men in a gentlemen’s club (not all but about 70%) are there because they are not getting their sexual needs met elsewhere. We say no for long enough, Candy is getting half his paycheck. Plus you'll end up with a very grumpy and sexually frustrated male. Fuck that.

5.      NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF HEELS

We all look amazing in heels. If you don’t own at least five pair, I question your womanhood. Email me.

6.      WE ARE IN CONTROL

Sounds all woman lib, I know. But it is true. You have the pussy so you have the power. Use it wisely. The pussy and the power.

7.      ALWAYS SET MONEY ASIDE FOR TAXES

Yeah, every stripper I know is amazing at this. I have no idea why but they are. Even the coked up alcoholic ones. I stayed in my clothes and pushed paper for years and still never figured this tax shit out. They are like sexy, big-boobed accountants. In fact, if you know a stripper, I suggest come April you search her out. Seriously.

 

In other news, I obviously lied about posting another blog last night. I’d say sorry but I was fucking busy. It involved beer and orgasms, that’s all you need to know.

 

Hasta la Pasta.