I don’t know what it is about my exes, but at some point
after my break ups, 90% of them have either texted or called me to say they
miss me, they made a mistake, or that they want me back. Or all three. You
would think this would be a great ego boost. Ah, but you are sorely mistaken. If
anything, it makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. Why is it that the
men I choose to be with never see what they have when they have it? Am I too
unassuming? Do I seem like a ‘go-look-around-and-I’ll-wait-for-you’ girl?
Because I am pretty sure that I have told all of them that I am amazing at
fucking off. Break up with me and I will gracefully fuck off forever. Well,
gracefully to your face. At home I’ll call EVG, down a bottle of wine, cry my
stupid heart out and make plans to move as far away from you as possible. Don’t
worry, it doesn’t last long. I’m too egotistical to do the self-pity thing for an
extended period of time.
The crazy thing is I still get these texts/calls years and
years later. Still! From people who live across the country from me. From
people I haven’t seen or dated since Buffy was canceled. Usually they are drunk
and it is well past midnight but either way… what the fuck is wrong with men? I
am all for nostalgia but has this crap ever worked? “Oh, I know you cheated on
me and it’s been so long that I have no clue who you are today but, god, I
really miss you too because, let’s face it, I have no self-worth and I would love
to revisit a shitty relationship as soon as possible,” said no stable woman
ever.
Oh, and let me share my favorite one with you. (Only because
it is the craziest break-up/try-to-get-back together story I got.)
I dated a guy I worked with (broke the ‘don’t shit where you
eat’ rule) who turned out to be bipolar and a sufferer of PTSD due to his time
in Iraq. I didn’t find out this important bit of information until a few months
into our relationship when he had a complete fucking melt down, left me in a
bar, ran through the streets hiding from the enemy, and called me up to tell me
he was sorry but he could no longer be with me and that he was going to have to
kill me. I was okay with that. Not the death threat but the break up. I did the
‘It’s ok. I understand. Plotting my murder is a bit too heavy for me so it was
just a matter of who said it first. Please piss off but in a nice way so that
you don’t put a bullet in my head.’
This guy went a bit further than calls or texts (as crazy
people usually do) and showed up at my apartment, got on one knee and pulled
out a diamond ring. What the hell? What did he expect me to say to that? “Oh,
honey, of course I’ll overlook the fact that you have lost your fucking
marbles. I’d love a lifetime of murder and madness.” What did I do, you ask? I told
him no, of course. And I think I told him to see a shrink. I might have slammed
the door on him. I might have threatened to call the cops. It was not a pretty
proposal.
Back to normal land (since most of my exes were mentally
sound)…
My Advice to Men:
Here’s what I don’t get, guys. Why would you ever tell a
girl you ended things with that you missed her? You ended it, move on. Trust
that she has moved on. It’s really a very weird thing to do.
First, it’s pathetic. Here’s what we think… you went out into
the dating world, failed and got lonely. Or you realized that the whole ‘never
bitching at you’, being loyal, taking care of you, loving sex thing was kind of
a good gig. Either way, you look like a pitiable sorry ass when you text us
such things.
Second, it’s demeaning. Do you really think we would rather
be with an asshole than enjoy the perks of being on our own? Do you even know
what it is like to come home to an apartment exactly like we left it, eat
whatever we want, fall asleep on our couch and come and go as we fucking please?
Well, it’s way better than dealing with your bullshit and your wandering pecker.
And have you seen the choices in sex toys nowadays? Yeah, we’re all set on that
end too. Plus here’s a secret… assholes are not nearly as good in bed as truly
decent non-cheating men are. I’d much rather have passionate love-filled sex
than empty ‘got a few good moves from the thousands of women I fucked’ sex. All
women would. Except bar whores maybe. But they don’t count as real people. Do they?
My Advice to Women:
Please, ladies, wake the fuck up. When a man texts you that
he misses you, you don’t go running back. Have some self-respect. He doesn’t fucking
miss you. Repeat that to yourself. Because if you were worth anything to him,
if he really loved you, he would have never left you in the first place. How do
I know? Because men fight for what they love. It’s in their nature. Take
football for example. If they love the Raiders and the Raiders lose (which they
usually do, right?) do they walk away from that team and never root for them
again? No. They walk around in black and silver every Sunday like a bunch of
dumbasses because men do not give up on the things they love!
And for god’s sake don’t feel good about it or take it as a
compliment. You chose an asshole. You sucked at choosing men. Sucked! Hopefully,
now you are awesome at it (like I’d like to think I am). But this should serve
to remind you how NOT to be. What NOT to look for. What to STAY AWAY from. “Oh,
look. This shithead sent me a text. Wasn’t I completely retarded back then?
Whew. Thank god I’m not that girl anymore.” That’s the ONLY thing that should
be going through your mind.
DICK PIC UPDATE:
Conversation with EVG
– I STAND CORRECTED
Me: You must have accumulated scores of dick pics in your
career as a single woman.
EVG: I really have!
Me: And isn’t it a weird thing for a guy to do? I mean, do
guys think we look at it and get all hot and bothered?
EVG: Uhm… I do.
Me: Are you serious? Even when they are attached to a man
you don’t care about?
EVG: Especially when they are attached to a man I don’t care
about.
Me: So you really do think “I want that inside of me”?
EVG: (long pause) Yes….
Me: You are the first girl ever.
EVG: I like dick. What can I say?
Me: Yeah me too. But in digital print? Up close and personal
from a near stranger?
EVG: Yep.
Me: You are a very strange woman.
EVG: Speaking of which. I need to start collecting cock
shots again. I deleted all the rest back when I decided to be a good girl.
Me: Didn’t work out did it?
EVG: No.
TEXT FROM WIL
Wil: Want me to send you a dick pic?
Me: You know I’d love it!
Wil:
And now you know why I sleep with Wil. And date him. And do
various naughty things to him.
In Unrelated News:
My new barista is amazing. She asked about my dog (how cute
is that?), told me I looked pretty today (she has good taste) and wondered if
she could take my dog’s picture next time she sees him. I even shooed away my old
barista (he never gave a crap about my dog, so fuck him) just so
her and I could talk. There is something powerful about being able to make
people move out of your way by a wave of your hand. It makes me feel like, yes,
I really am a wizard. Ah, I love my morning coffee trips.
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