Not a Cosmo Article

Last night I had a free-to-myself-no-showers-watch-whatever-I-want-and-eat-Cool-Whip-straight-from-the-tub night. Which of course led to catching up with girlfriends and being on the phone for five hours. Ah, I love having a vagina!

The best call of the night was my conversation with Michigan girl. After her infamous breakup, she has started dating one of her good friends. Bad bad bad idea. I warned her weeks ago. Don’t do it! I yelled. Date a stranger and pretend you don’t know what he is capable of!

Michigan Girl, however, did not heed my advice. And so this conversation was inevitable.

Michigan Girl (MG): I think Michael wants to end things.
Me: Already?
MG: Yeah. He is showing a lot of the signs.
Me: Like what?
MG: Like calling less and hanging out less. I don’t know, I just feel it.
Me: Give me specifics. You are being way too vague!
MG: Well, I read this article in Cosmo about the 8 signs that he is going to dump you.
Me: Cosmo? Are you serious? You are taking life advice from Cosmo?!?
MG: You have to read it. You will understand once you see what the signs are.
Me: Send me a link, I’ll look at it now.
MG: (emails… http://www.lhj.com/relationships/divorce/dating-tips/six-signs-youre-getting-dumped/)
Me: Whoa. This is Ladies Home Journal. Not Cosmo.
MG: Same thing.
Me: No. Ladies Home Journal is FAR WORSE! And this is just 6 signs, not 8.
MG: But read it. It’s dead on.

After reading this fabulous advice column on getting dumped, which is obviously written by an expert in the field of men and relationships, I was astonished that MG could be stupid enough to buy into this crap. (I love you MG, if you are reading this, but I am still laughing at you.)

Because I care about you so much, kiddies, I have decided to share this bit of genius writing with you. Obviously, all my commentary is in bold red letters. Hope you enjoy.

SIX SIGNS YOU ARE GETTING DUMPED

Worried that you're about to get bonked with the breakup stick? Here are some tip-offs to an oncoming ouster -- and some advice to help you stop the madness, or step off before you get stepped on.

By Amy Keyishian

At this point I am thinking, “Right on, Amy Keyishian! I love this step off before you get stepped on advice that women have such a hard time following! Please, do go on.”

Split-up Sign #1: You never get to hear that cute cell phone ring you downloaded just for him.

Who the hell downloads a cute ring for their boyfriend? What are we, 12? Look at the caller ID like a normal person.

The Symptoms: You guys used to talk several times a week, but lately, the calls come less often. He says he's busy at work, but it just doesn't ring true. Just like your phone.

Okay. He calls less often. This is might actually be a bad sign. Proceed…

What's Behind It: After the initial rush of crush endorphins, he's worried that he's become whipped. Regular check-ins are a sign, to him, that he's really getting committed, and the routine makes him feel trapped. Hence, his little phone rebellion.

(Cough cough) Bullshit (cough cough)… Guys do NOT think this way, ladies. If he isn’t calling there is no secret mystery reason. He just doesn’t want to talk to you. It really is that simple. If a guy is into you, his calls or text will either increase or stay the same. If he is no longer into you, he’ll slow down or stop altogether. Phone rebellion, my ass. He’s very obviously SHOWING you that he is losing interest.  

Oh, and there is always the crazy possibility that he is actually busy at work. If this is true, his calls will resume as normal in a week or two.

Salvage it: Become less available. Make cool plans, particularly ones that he'd find fun, and become tantalizingly busy. Once he sees that as an independent chickie, you're not going to entrap his free spirit, he should snap out of it.

Really, Amy, that’s your advice? Become less available? Make plans he would think was fun? Holy high school game playing, Batman! How about you take the hint, go get your nails done, buy a new pair of heels and move on with your life. Not every guy in the world is going to be into you. This one is most likely not. And who cares? Sometimes you have to wade through the quite a few disinterested men until you find the one who adores you. Or better yet, let him find you.

Scrap it: Allow your calls to slack off at exactly the same rate, until nobody is calling anybody. Voila: uncomfortable conversation averted.

OR… you could do the adult thing and get on with your life. Of course, if he asks you what went wrong, I think you should tell him. He has a right to know that his hints were well received and maturely responded to. Voila: Uncomfortable conversation bravely confronted. Class level +3.

Wrong Tactic: Calling obsessively and hanging up on him. He may be immature, but he is capable of seeing right through that blocked number on his caller I.D.

I think it goes without saying that stalking is ALWAYS a wrong tactic. And illegal.

Split-up Sign #2: Your sheets are distressingly un-mussed.

Ah, the no more sex sign!

The Symptoms: There's been a negative change in your sex pattern - in other words, you're just not doing it as much.

So hurry up and panic and make a big deal about it! Because sex patterns never change!! (Please note my intense sarcasm and underlying frustration that this made #2 on the list.)

What's Behind It: There could be several reasons for the doin'-it decline: a health problem, maybe work woes. Or there could be a real issue at hand: he's tired of the same-old same-old, and his libido has taken a snooze.

Hmm… or maybe he’s fucking tired or the two of you are going through NORMAL changes in sex drive. This should only be a concern if it is ongoing. Like longer than a month.

Salvage it: Give it a few weeks, to be sure there isn't some temporary trouble that has nothing to do with you. Then invite him over, and greet him at the door in a French maid outfit. With a feather duster.

Jesus, Amy. No. No. No. I agree on giving it two weeks, but a French maid outfit? A feather duster? How about you wait for HIM to be comfortable with sex and then you introduce new play? That sounds more reasonable. And less desperate. And less selfish. And a little more compassionate.

Scrap it: If weeks become months and the spark seems to have truly faded, the "we'd-be-better-friends-than-lovers" speech might actually work here -- and might even, for once, be true.

If it lasts more than a month, he is no longer interested in you. And don’t do the friends thing; that never ends well. Just walk away gracefully and eat a tub of ice cream like a normal woman. Maybe watch that breakup movie with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Then get on with your life as usual.

Wrong Tactic: Asking about it directly. Men are fragile creatures, and a direct assault will surely scare the groundhog right back into his den. And a girl with her hands on her hips, nagging "Why won't you have sex with me?" ... Not alluring.

Men are fragile creatures? No the fuck they aren’t. Asking for a reason the sex is on a downslope is not only a logical course of action, it is the adult thing to do. Of course, you never would say, “Why won’t you have sex with me?” But a “I miss having sex with you, is everything okay?” speech is perfectly reasonable. And is 100% the RIGHT tactic.

Here’s a secret, girls… men appreciate honesty.

Split-up Sign #3: When it comes to making plans... he won't.

Ugh! She’s right about this one. Definitely a sign.

The Symptoms: God forbid you buy tickets to anything -- you eat your heart out while he decides if he'll be able to make it, even with a healthy three-week lead time.

Run. Fucking run. Just trust me on this one.

What's Behind It: Making plans equals planning for the future. Planning for the future equals commitment. Commitment equals FEAR! Get it? Your guy might resist the nonrefundable package deal to New Orleans. Or he might get spooked each Saturday. It sorta depends on his personality.

I hate to say that she is right, but she is dead on. If he can’t even commit to future plans with you such as dinner or ANYTHING, do not be stupid enough to think he will commit to you as a person.

Let me give you an example. Before my ex and I broke up, I became his ‘plan-B-girl’ (no, not in the oops-I-might-be-pregnant-let’s-take-a-pill way). As long as he didn’t have plans to go to the bar, or hang out with friends, or head to the neighborhood pool for the evening, then he would hang out with me. I was his plan B. He didn’t want to make any plans with me because he needed to keep his options open in case something better came along. And that something better was a pretty lengthy list.

Please, do not be this girl. If a man even remotely likes you or is interested in something more than just sex with you, he will make time for you in advance and he will show you that you are his priority. Maybe not every day (that would be crazy and obsessive) but often. Guys like being around girls that they are in to. It’s that simple.

Salvage it: This is bad behavior, and there's only one way to tame it: Disappear. Give him one chance to get on board, and then make alternate plans -- ones he can't join in on. Yes, it stinks -- you have no boyfriend for, like, three weeks. But if he's worth keeping, he'll get the hint. Pronto.

Salvage it? No fucking way. This is where you have enough respect and love for yourself to want something better for yourself. She’s right about disappearing. But you need to disappear for good.

Look, I know this one is hard. It took me a while to get the confidence and self-love to realize that I am worth being a plan A. Even when it meant walking away with a bit of a broken heart. Trust me. Hearts are easier to mend than the loss of dignity.

Scrap it: Then again, if he's not worth keeping -- this tactic will prove it, and you can move on without guilt. Hey, you gave him a chance to come along.

Blah blah blah. See above comment.

Wrong Tactic: Trying to make rules and insisting that he come to Saturday game-night or suffer an hour-long tirade. Sheesh. Are you his girlfriend, or his mom?

Agreed. This is a terrible tactic. And what if it is HIS Saturday game-night?  Or HIS Sunday football? Being a plan A is important, but so is giving him some space.

Split-up Sign #4: He gives you the "I Need Space" speech

The Symptoms: As symptoms go, this is a pretty obvious one -- he actually communicates a desire to not be around you as much.

This is a difficult one for sure, but usually YOU are the cause of this speech, not him.

What's Behind It: This is often a panic-inducing situation, but it doesn't have to be. Yes, sometimes "space" is a euphemism for "buh-bye." But sometimes, it really does mean that he'd like to re-adjust the relationship so that a little absence can make his heart grow fonder.

There is no hidden meaning here. You are crowding him. Give him his god damn space.

Salvage it: Give him space. As requested. Allowing him as much space as you can stand, while still making your presence known (with sporadic check-in e-mails, a card in the mail, a song dedicated on the radio), can make you absolutely adorable to him.

Sometimes guys just need their own alone time. You should too. And you should be respecting this for both of you.

Here is why this is tricky, though. If a guy needs a week off from you, something went south somewhere. And there is no coming back from the ‘week of space’ speech. This is a whole blog entry in itself, but believe me when I say it is time for you to pack up and move on.

Scrap it: If you suspect he's more of an astronaut than you can stand, trump his space request by saying you should see other people. And mean it.

No. If his alone time is unreasonable (a week or more), you should leave. Who cares about ‘other people’. This is about you accepting that he is not that into you and loving yourself enough to make the right decision.

Wrong Tactic: Saying "No, you can't have space." That is guaranteed to backfire: instead of taking a little space now, he'll take all the space he needs -- by leaving the relationship.

Agreed.

Split-up Sign #5: As Sting nearly sang it, "Every little thing you do is un-magic"

Oh, god. This is the one I hate most.

The Symptoms: The very things about you that he used to find cute, he now finds irritating -- and seems to be picking petty fights over everything you do.

Yep. I know this one well. My high pitch sneezes are adorable. My little kid enthusiasm about everything is refreshing. My life with pajama’s and champagne is delightful. By 74 quirks make me unique.

And then a few months go by…

Now my sneezes hurt his ears, my enthusiasm about everything is frustratingly childish, my pj’s and champagne nights are ridiculous, my 74 quirks are annoying.

What's Behind It: This is more common than you'd think - and while it can mean he's tired of you, it more likely is a sign that likes you more than he wants to admit. And that you're spending too much time together, stirring your spoon in your coffee cup around ... and around ... and around....

What the fuck? A sign that he likes you more than he wants to admit? NO! It’s a sign that he is sick of you. It’s literally that simple. You annoy him.

Salvage it: Don't even play into his irritation. Give him a little breathing room - either let his comments roll off your back, or gracefully bow out every time he throws a fit over nothing. A little free time should let him know he's stepping out of bounds.

Leave. If he’s still with you even though you annoy him, it’s only out of fear of loneliness, not because he likes you. Leave and be available for the guy who will forever think everything you do is adorable. He’s out there. I promise.

Scrap it: If he's really indulging in some very bad manners, you're excused from politeness yourself. Take yourself out of an uncomfortable situation altogether-and don't return his calls.

Agreed.

Wrong Tactic: Crying, apologizing, and changing when you clearly didn't actually do anything wrong. This just sets up a pattern that will only get worse as time goes on.

Do people do this? Jesus god! Yeah, I agree. Change nothing, apologize for nothing, don’t stick around and feel worse about yourself. Wow, you women never cease to amaze me.

Split-up Sign #6: You just have that sick feeling in your gut.

Here we go…

The Symptoms: An intangible sense that things just aren't going right.

We all get this. All of us.

What's Behind It: Well, it could be paranoia. Or you could be right. Unfortunately, computer technology has not developed enough for us to diagnose this one for you.

I could not agree with Amy more.

Salvage it: Try a straightforward conversation. Remember that guys don't generally like those, so do it in a way that really sounds like friends talking, and make it clear that while you'd like to stay with him, you don't want to keep him in a situation that truly doesn't fit.

Surprisingly, this is absolutely what you should do.

Scrap it: If you've been having the same gut feeling about him, maybe you're both right. But in the absence of identifiable problems, you owe him the same conversation.

Uh huh.

Wrong Tactic: Committing a pre-emptive dump. If it turns out that you really were just being paranoid, and in fact he's preoccupied by a problem at work, you could end up being the worst kind of bad guy. As a result, he'll be so hurt he'll dump the next girl... and a new cycle of dumpages will be unleashed upon the world. You don't want to be responsible for romantic Armageddon. So as uncomfortable as it might be, you've got to do the right thing.

I agree. A pre-emptive dump could lead to the zombie apocalypse and we could all die. Talk to him first.