Let’s start with my boring anxieties and realizations.
Anxiety number one. I’ve been struggling with whether I
should get a second job, go back to school, or move and start over. This has
been gnawing at me for days, burrowing itself deep inside my brain to the point
where every half an hour I am demanding an answer from myself. But why do I always
see these as my only options? What is it that I really want out of life? Where
does my happiness lie?
The answer is in writing. In all my terrible writing. Take
everything away from me, all of what I have, and this is the one thing that can
make almost anything bearable. So this morning I broke out my half-finished
novel (on a flash drive, of course), shoved it in my pocket and decided that
this is where I will focus my energy. No starting over, no second job, no
college classes. Just me, words and rolling the dice.
Anxiety number two. Ugh. I tend to get way too close to the people
I care about. I want to know everything I can about them. It’s like when you
find a great book and you want to reread it, understand it, be a part of it.
But people aren’t books and sometimes wanting to be close to someone only
serves to drive them away. At least everything in my history has taught me
that. The problem is that when I think I’ve crossed that line, I shut down. In
fact, I have never NOT shut down. But didn’t I promise myself not to fall back
on my old ways? Yeah, I’m ridiculous like that. And if I were to be truthful,
my first thought was, “I don’t want to pull away.” Sounds like a great idea,
right? Face your fears and change your behavior (saying this in my best Oprah
voice)! No, it was a terrifying course of action. I was left standing in the
most unfamiliar territory. Jesus. What did I do, you ask? I did what all
confused women do. I acted a bit nutty. In my heart everything was telling me to
stay away, go home, get out. In my head everything was telling me to shush up
and calm down. What came out was, “Aren’t you tired of me?” Which translated in
my mind as, ‘please be tired of me.’ Why? Because all of this would be less
confusing and then I’d have a solid reason to shut down. Make it easy on me!
Don’t make it easy on me! Of course, this only served to leave the poor guy
standing there going, “What the hell happened to Seeks? Has she lost her mind?”
Yes. Yes, she has.
But then this morning came with all its zen-like calmness.
What the shit, me? Who cares if I go off my rocker every now and then? I’m allowed
to go crazy once in a while. And who cares if someone is tired of me or not? If
I really think they are I'll stay home… problem solved. Want to understand someone?
Don’t. Pick up a good book (a real one) and forget about it. Most people don’t
even understand themselves so your endeavor is doomed the second you open your
mouth. Furthermore, most people don’t want to be understood. And let’s get real;
shouldn’t you be investing that curiosity in yourself? Self-understanding does
not come from interest in others; it comes from discovering what makes you tick. Trust me on this one, kiddies.
If someone wants you to know them, they’ll lay it out there for you. If your interest
in what is going on inside their skull rears its ugly head and comes slithering
out of your mouth, they’ll have no idea what to tell you. It’s not their fault.
You shouldn’t pry and it shouldn’t matter.
Okay, enough of my boring morning. The point is that somehow
last night I put myself on reset and woke up feeling more grounded than I have in
days. I also joined the yoga studio, bought a new yoga outfit at lunch and have
a top secret meeting with someone important about something important (shhh). Anxieties
gone… check. Emotions properly buried… check. Champagne in the fridge… check.
Batteries in vibrators… check. Yay, me!
Oh! Speaking of vibrators!! I finally got the two I ordered
and I am both horribly disappointed and pleasantly surprised. Let’s start with
Mr. G Spot Finder.
G Spot Finder
It ran okay for two seconds. And by okay I mean it barely
vibrated and you had to hold down the dial to get it to work. After hours of
flipping batteries and shaking the damn thing I gave up. It is now a dildo. And
we all know how pointless dildos are. In fact, I was so angry at that device that I
refused to name it. That’ll show Mr. Find-Your-G-Spot-But-Does-Nothing-Else!
Wait, did I just name it? Damnit!
The Rabbit
Holy shit! First thing I did was throw in the batteries in
order to see if it would at least turn on and vibrate. After the G Spot Finder
debacle, I was worried. Oh, it vibrated alright. It also did something very
surprising. The whole thing spun! Spinning penis, spinning beads, vibrating
bunny ears. Obviously this thing was made from fairy magic. I just sat their
holding it thinking, “Dear god, who is the genius that came up with this idea?”
Time travel? Pshtt! Tele-transportation? Bah! Quantum computers? Boring. This
mother effing thing spins! And, in the first time in vibrator history, it took
all of 30 seconds. Rabbit and I, we are now best of friends. Oh, this one is
definitely getting a name!
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