I feel there are a few things I have a hard time discussing
with you in person. Things that are causing me great distress. And I feel the
only healthy way to share my concerns with you is to blog about it so that hundreds
of strangers can be all up in our personal business. It’s how healthy people
deal with issues. Trust me. And so here it goes…
Let’s start with the fridge situation. When it comes to your
refrigerator, I know there are important things that I should be concerned
about: the five year old pizza boxes, the poor choice in cheap beer, the lack
of any fruits or vegetables, that bag in the back with its mystery contents that
has been there since I first started sleeping with you and thought you might
actually have bottled water but discovered that the flammable tap water was
your only source of hydration. But alas, these things do not upset me. What I
find most distressing is your lack of any dairy products. How can you drink
coffee without creamer? How do you eat cereal without milk? How can you get
through the week without devouring at least one block of cheese? Where do you
get your calcium? How are you still alive? Do you take supplements? Or do you
just hate the idea of healthy bones? I really want to know. I need to know.
But let’s move on, shall we? I am well aware that if I were
a good girlfriend I would clean your apartment for you. Maybe even vacuum and
dust. Possibly mop your floors. Pick up the condom wrappers. Throw out the
gazillion empty cigarette packs. But as you now know, I am not a good
girlfriend. I am lazy, easily distracted (you have cable, so you are partly to
blame) and your apartment would take days to clean. I understand why you don’t
do it; it is exhausting to even think about. But can’t you just go to the bar,
manipulate some poor drunk girl into cleaning your house and then toss her to
the curb? I mean, what is the point of your brilliant deviousness if you do not
use it for the greater good, like a clean environment for us to play video
games and have sex in? Please consider this option before I swipe your credit
card and hire a maid for you. I don’t want to steal from you this early in our
relationship. It never ends well when I do.
More importantly, I am deeply concerned about your Sriracha
sauce hoarding. When you first ordered three GIANT bottles of Sriracha, I
thought, “Wil really loves hot sauce. He must eat it constantly.” But then I
saw the five drops you put on your chimichanga and, well, I was shocked. If you
had Sriracha for every meal that means you would have 15 drops a day. According
to my calculations, each bottle holds 7,865,992 drops of sauce. That’s enough to
last you 524,399 days. That’s 1,440 years, Wil!! Per bottle!! Do you know
something the rest of us do not? Is the apocalypse upon us and we are all going
to be living in a world where Sriracha is the new currency? Because, honestly,
that is the only reasonable explanation for the massive amount of hot sauce you
now own. Either that or you’re a vampire. And as your girlfriend, apocalypse or vampire, I
think this is something I deserve know.
Finally, we really need to clean that sex towel. And soon.
Because at this point, I think the towel itself could get me pregnant. But
thank you for always leaving it on my side of the bed. And you say you aren’t
romantic!
Your Concerned Girlfriend,
Seeks
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