Conversations With Kinks

Warning: The following blog is graphic in nature. If you are super religious or you have never been tied up, do not proceed. Actually, if you are super religious and no one's ever bound you, you probably stopped reading my blog ages ago. 

 

This morning I was on the phone with a friend whom I will call Kink-olicious. I know, this is a very weird pseudonym but she reads my blog and requested that this be her name. Let’s just call her Kinks for short.

Kinks is bisexual and very much into BDSM. For all you vanillas out there, BDSM means this:

Bondage Discipline

Dominance Submission
Sadism Masochism

She has also spent many years in polyamorous relationships (as primary and secondary) and has had more threesomes than most men have had partners.

Strangely, besides the friends I have made in Texas, the majority of my girlfriends are very sophisticated, educated, classy women in public but are sexual tigresses behind closed doors. Actually, all of them are. If you ever met Kinks, you would think she was the most innocent and sexually normal person on earth. Same with Hollywood, A., EVG, Michigan Girl, Eva, and… well, every female I know outside of this state. But you would wrong about these girls.

We are a strange lot, all of us. The fact that I am probably the least experienced and most innocent of the aforementioned group, speaks volumes as to what these women are capable of. In other words, any man who happens to land in a committed and long term relationship with one of my friends can be assured that he will have a long lasting, exciting and adventurous sex life.

I have to be honest, though. When it comes to bedroom antics, Kinks is the craziest of us. A. might be a close second, maybe even neck to neck, but Kinks… she almost scares me. Here’s a conversation we had in California on our way into one of the local watering holes.

Me: (noticing she is COVERED in bruises) Holy shit! What happened to you? You look like you were jumped into a gang!

Kinks: (lifting up her shirt) Look at my back. It’s purple! Kind of pretty if you look close enough.
Me: Dear god! Seriously. What happened to you??
Kinks: I had the best sex ever last night!
Me: With what? A rabid gorilla?
Kinks: No. Just one of my guys. He beat me with a shovel. It was amazing!
Me: A shovel?!?! Someone beat the shit out of you with a shovel and you enjoyed it?
Kinks: Oh yeah!
Me: If I man did that to me, I’d murder him! And use the shovel to bury his body. You know, so I wouldn’t get caught and arrested.
Kinks: It was fun. I admit, I’m a little sore today, but it was well worth it!
Me: You are so fucking weird. So weird.

So now you understand what I am dealing with here. Need more proof of her strange sex life.  Here are her rules for men:

1.      Don’t cry after sex. She will drive you out into the country and leave you there. True story.

I agree with this. Except the leaving them out in the country part. That’s too much effort.

2.      You need be willing to dominate her in bed at some point.

I am a switch outside of BDSM (top/bottom?), so I agree with this too.

3.      Sex less than three times a week will absolutely not cut it. And afternoon delights are a must.

Again, I agree.

4.      You better know how to tie a rope.

I don’t agree. In fact, keep your fucking rope away from me. Unless I can use it on you or you’re a rodeo clown and are about to leave for work.

5.      Your safe word better be creative.

Agreed. Don’t give me the “red” shit.

6.      You need to be skilled at whipping, swinging a bat, being a slave, and making fudge brownies with peanut butter.

All of those things sound awful. Who the hell eats fudge with peanut butter? Disagree!

7.      If you mind that she watches TV during sex, get the fuck out. The new Sherlock episode will not be missed!

Agreed. Except I am very far behind on Sherlock. Don’t judge!

Anyways, I’m sure there are more rules than just those. I’ll update you if need be. In the meantime, back to my morning conversation with Kinks!

Me: You know, there are times I that make sexual requests to Wil and he looks at me like I am either lying to him or I have lost my mind.
Kinks: He wouldn’t want to hear my requests.
Me: I used to think I was a pretty normal sexual person with just a slight edge, but sometimes I’ll tell him what I want or something I have a desire to try and his jaw will drop like I just stepped out of a porn movie. It’s like he’s doesn’t know whether to be shocked or happy or afraid.
Kinks: Is this good or bad?
Me: Good, I think. Definitely exciting. But I’m beginning to feel like he thinks I am much more experienced than what I really am. I want to say, “No! I’m so vanilla it isn’t even funny.” But I think I only believe that because I’ve known you for so long. I mean, I never got beat with a shovel, right? Never been tortured in a dungeon as a birthday present. So I’m nearly virginal.
Kinks: Yeah, you shouldn’t play never-have-I-ever with me. You’d lose.
Me: Most people would lose to you. But there has to be something you have never done before.
Kinks: There is!
Me: Do tell.
Kinks: I’ve never had a threesome with two dudes.
Me: Me neither. That sounds… uncomfortable.
Kinks: Oh, I want to. I want to in both scenarios.
Me: Both scenarios?
Kinks: Yeah. Once with two straight guys, both of whom are into me but couldn’t care less about each other. And then once with two bisexuals men. That way we all have fun.
Me: Jesus. You aren’t kidding are you?
Kinks: Nope.
Me: You’re going to do this, aren’t you?
Kinks: Hell yeah I am.
Me: You are so fucking weird. So weird.

 I really do love my friends. They make me feel so normal. And holy shit, they are entertaining! Just saying.

-  Fin